Sunday, August 14

Taking inventory

I really need to start blogging more, again. I just have so much going on that it is hard to find the time, especially the time alone. Right now the boy is at work and I have just finished weekend #2 with G. I did not spend much time with him, between being sick and being busy. Phil and I did have a big, much needed conversation though that was triggered by G being around, and I made a decision (on my own) that needed to be made. 
I will not be including biodad on presents and cards I send to B. Even writing that hurts, but it is for the best. If E wants any contact/to show any love towards B then he needs to do it on his own. I can not keep pretending to be both of us. This will be the first year I sign B's birthday card with just one name and not both. I don't know why, but that is tremendously difficult for me. I had a cry-fest at Phil's last night when I decided this. Phil did not know how to handle it and immediately shut down and left the room. I don't really know how to discuss adoption and all things related with him. There is really nothing he can do to help, other than being there. 
This lead to the much-needed discussion. Anyone that knows me knows that I would rather hide my emotions, not let anyone see them or know that they even exist. After all, that is what strong is, right? Phil is not ok with this. After he apologized for walking out on me last night (he came back 10 mins later, after I had decided to pull away, shut down and pretend all was well), we discussed how not ok with him this is. How hard the adoption angle is on him too. How much he is scared G is going to scare me away. I think we have reached a point now (after much discussing it) that he understand G isn't hurting me. G is just bringing pain I've done a lot to hide to the surface. It's probably healthy for me to deal with it instead of hide it anyway. 
What he doesn't know is how much my heart panics sometimes. He is going to fight for at least joint custody of G. I am learning to deal with an every other weekend kid, and now it may change. HOW do I do that? How do I keep my heart safe? Am I ready? I don't know and I don't know if I will ever be ready. I just need to let this hurt, deal with it. 
With Love Always


  1. Ooh, hang in there. I'm sending you strong thoughts and thinking of you. I have a very good friend (a guy) who had a daughter a month after I had mine. He is raising his daughter with his now-wife (prior to the pregnancy they were broken up). I am thrilled for him and happy, and we keep in touch a lot, but seeing pictures of his daughter and hearing about her milestones and how happy he makes her breaks my heart. My daughter and his are so close in age. I'm trying to be supportive and remain interested and involved (we are not romantic or anything he's just a close friend and needs people for support) but it kills me sometimes to see pictures or hear of her developments or whatnot, because they are in the same stages as my daughter's. I get updates and pictures of my daughter of course, but it's very hard to have another reminder of her no matter how much I know that my friend's daughter and his life are completely different than mine. It sounds like Phil is a good guy and I'm really proud that you are opening up to him and trying to work through it. When I run into issues I often pull away and shut everyone out and it's a lonely place to be. Hang in there.

  2. Yes, it is much more healthy to let it hurt and to deal with it as it surfaces instead of trying to re-bury it. Unfortunately because you tend to bury your emotions (I have in the past, so I know EXACTLY what you're dealing with), they WILL come up at some point and hurt even more than when they went "down" in the first place. That could be why you're dealing with physical issues like headaches too. I don't know. It's just a thought. Anyway...hang in there, and I hope you know you can text me anytime you need to talk. Love you girl. *hugs*