I will not be including biodad on presents and cards I send to B. Even writing that hurts, but it is for the best. If E wants any contact/to show any love towards B then he needs to do it on his own. I can not keep pretending to be both of us. This will be the first year I sign B's birthday card with just one name and not both. I don't know why, but that is tremendously difficult for me. I had a cry-fest at Phil's last night when I decided this. Phil did not know how to handle it and immediately shut down and left the room. I don't really know how to discuss adoption and all things related with him. There is really nothing he can do to help, other than being there.
This lead to the much-needed discussion. Anyone that knows me knows that I would rather hide my emotions, not let anyone see them or know that they even exist. After all, that is what strong is, right? Phil is not ok with this. After he apologized for walking out on me last night (he came back 10 mins later, after I had decided to pull away, shut down and pretend all was well), we discussed how not ok with him this is. How hard the adoption angle is on him too. How much he is scared G is going to scare me away. I think we have reached a point now (after much discussing it) that he understand G isn't hurting me. G is just bringing pain I've done a lot to hide to the surface. It's probably healthy for me to deal with it instead of hide it anyway.
What he doesn't know is how much my heart panics sometimes. He is going to fight for at least joint custody of G. I am learning to deal with an every other weekend kid, and now it may change. HOW do I do that? How do I keep my heart safe? Am I ready? I don't know and I don't know if I will ever be ready. I just need to let this hurt, deal with it.
With Love Always