Notes in my Purse

The new job leaves me with a lot of time doing nothing in a cubicle at work. It's a bit dreary. In this time, I write. Then I fold up the notes, stash them in my purse promising to get them into the computer at some point. Now is that point. This will be a long post, but it means cleaning out the ole sack. 

4-29-11

I can't do this. I never would have dreamed of asking you to change your plans, but I have to change mine. I love you. This hurts, but I have to be fair to me. I dont want a military life. I dont want my kids to have a military life. This might be the sittiest time to do this, but I don't want to fall for you even more - I don't want to lead you on. 

Maybe I wasn't fair. I should have told  you this long ago. Honestly, I was trying. I wanted to be able to do this with you. I've cried and screamed and hoped. I've fought with myself. This seems to be the year I lose people - you, the kid, Erik. I can't keep up like this. 

Be safe. I love you and wish you all the best. 

With Love Always, 

Me

5-10-11

Fine. 

You win. I was fighting this again but I just don't want to. I closed my eyes today and saw this working. That scares me. It thrills me too. Last night changed a lot in me. You act like you want this -me- and I need that. I need to know that I am not an inconvenience. I'm trying to let you in. You saw my heart on mothers' day.  I hate that but I need to be ok with it. I hope that makes sense to you. 

You make me smile. I don't know how to react to that. I appreciate it. Maybe I am just optimistic and crazy. Maybe you are too. You tell me you don't see yourself leaving me - I believe that shit too easily. I am intense. I do things with my whole being. 

There are still secrets you don't know - deep down, hurting secrets. I don't see you running from them, but I don't want to be 'fixed'. I will keep them as mine for now. Maybe one day I will let go of the little bits of me I hold onto.

WLA

Me

5-23-11

REMEMBER.

WHERE YOU ARE GOING IS DIFFERENT FROM WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN!

5-24-11

Pardon me

I am tiptoeing through the bests laid plans

Intentions thrown asunder

A tightrope I don't know how to walk

Bridging fear and hope

I do my best to make it look easy

But there's nothing

Nothing

To hide the terror in my eyes

When I let you see it

You are supposed to hold my hand

Keep me steady

Help me through

Pretend you are fighting this war with me

A soldier always should

I talk in metaphors

But what I really want is you

There with me

Believing when I tell you

It gets better

Do I dare to hope again?

Ok, there ya go. Still no news from T. I know that H is responding to texts from E. Maybe it's a start. 

With Love Always

Me