I can't do this. I never would have dreamed of asking you to change your plans, but I have to change mine. I love you. This hurts, but I have to be fair to me. I dont want a military life. I dont want my kids to have a military life. This might be the sittiest time to do this, but I don't want to fall for you even more - I don't want to lead you on.
Maybe I wasn't fair. I should have told you this long ago. Honestly, I was trying. I wanted to be able to do this with you. I've cried and screamed and hoped. I've fought with myself. This seems to be the year I lose people - you, the kid, Erik. I can't keep up like this.
Be safe. I love you and wish you all the best.
With Love Always,
You win. I was fighting this again but I just don't want to. I closed my eyes today and saw this working. That scares me. It thrills me too. Last night changed a lot in me. You act like you want this -me- and I need that. I need to know that I am not an inconvenience. I'm trying to let you in. You saw my heart on mothers' day. I hate that but I need to be ok with it. I hope that makes sense to you.
You make me smile. I don't know how to react to that. I appreciate it. Maybe I am just optimistic and crazy. Maybe you are too. You tell me you don't see yourself leaving me - I believe that shit too easily. I am intense. I do things with my whole being.
There are still secrets you don't know - deep down, hurting secrets. I don't see you running from them, but I don't want to be 'fixed'. I will keep them as mine for now. Maybe one day I will let go of the little bits of me I hold onto.
WHERE YOU ARE GOING IS DIFFERENT FROM WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN!
I am tiptoeing through the bests laid plans
Intentions thrown asunder
A tightrope I don't know how to walk
Bridging fear and hope
I do my best to make it look easy
But there's nothing
To hide the terror in my eyes
When I let you see it
You are supposed to hold my hand
Keep me steady
Help me through
Pretend you are fighting this war with me
A soldier always should
I talk in metaphors
But what I really want is you
There with me
Believing when I tell you
It gets better
Do I dare to hope again?
Ok, there ya go. Still no news from T. I know that H is responding to texts from E. Maybe it's a start.
With Love Always