Thursday, May 26

Notes in my Purse

The new job leaves me with a lot of time doing nothing in a cubicle at work. It's a bit dreary. In this time, I write. Then I fold up the notes, stash them in my purse promising to get them into the computer at some point. Now is that point. This will be a long post, but it means cleaning out the ole sack. 

I can't do this. I never would have dreamed of asking you to change your plans, but I have to change mine. I love you. This hurts, but I have to be fair to me. I dont want a military life. I dont want my kids to have a military life. This might be the sittiest time to do this, but I don't want to fall for you even more - I don't want to lead you on. 
Maybe I wasn't fair. I should have told  you this long ago. Honestly, I was trying. I wanted to be able to do this with you. I've cried and screamed and hoped. I've fought with myself. This seems to be the year I lose people - you, the kid, Erik. I can't keep up like this. 
Be safe. I love you and wish you all the best. 
With Love Always, 

You win. I was fighting this again but I just don't want to. I closed my eyes today and saw this working. That scares me. It thrills me too. Last night changed a lot in me. You act like you want this -me- and I need that. I need to know that I am not an inconvenience. I'm trying to let you in. You saw my heart on mothers' day.  I hate that but I need to be ok with it. I hope that makes sense to you. 
You make me smile. I don't know how to react to that. I appreciate it. Maybe I am just optimistic and crazy. Maybe you are too. You tell me you don't see yourself leaving me - I believe that shit too easily. I am intense. I do things with my whole being. 
There are still secrets you don't know - deep down, hurting secrets. I don't see you running from them, but I don't want to be 'fixed'. I will keep them as mine for now. Maybe one day I will let go of the little bits of me I hold onto.


Pardon me
I am tiptoeing through the bests laid plans
Intentions thrown asunder
A tightrope I don't know how to walk
Bridging fear and hope
I do my best to make it look easy
But there's nothing
To hide the terror in my eyes
When I let you see it
You are supposed to hold my hand
Keep me steady
Help me through
Pretend you are fighting this war with me
A soldier always should
I talk in metaphors
But what I really want is you
There with me
Believing when I tell you
It gets better
Do I dare to hope again?

Ok, there ya go. Still no news from T. I know that H is responding to texts from E. Maybe it's a start. 

With Love Always

1 comment:

  1. I don't know why, but I just got all your blogs from the past couple of months delivered to blogger. Weird. Anyway, this is BEAUTIFUL. All the notes you've written while you're at work waiting on the phone to ring show your heart and what you're truly thinking. We talk often enough (yay!) that I know what's going on, but this shows another side. Thank you. I love you, my friend!