Friday, May 20

Waving the White Flag

Before you read this post, go back and read my last one. I will wait.

Ok, welcome back.
E finally admitted that he never wanted to place B. This morning. I dont know that he would have ever stepped up, but he swears he would have. I know what his swearing means...nothing. 
This got me to thinking. The plan has always been that I would have the children my best friend (BA) could not for him. He is a homosexual man, and seeing as sperm+sperm=/= baby, they were gonna need some help in that department. Someone pass me a tissue. I have always been the first candidate to gestate and help create his children. I have always agreed. Like since 11th grade always.
I will not be doing this. Most of  you know I am head over heels in love with the new guy. Maybe it's because he is new, maybe it's because he is awesome. Who knows. We have discussed the possibility of me having children for BA&JJ basically since the beginning. I thought he deserved to know what he was getting into. His first response was a gracious 'That will be hard for me'. He accepted it. Don't know that I will find another like that. When he was joining the military, it was something I was going to do while he was gone. He is the kind of guy that would fall in love with this baby from the start, and I know that.
Shortly after I decided not to move, BA texted me and basically told me that he thought I stayed for New Guy and that I was selfish. I haven't heard from him since.
Oh, and since I am finally allowing myself to hurt and regret over my adoption decision, there is the small matter that I don't know if I could emotionally do it again.
So New Guy and I were talking today and he finally admitted to me that he could not deal with me being pregnant with someone else's kid. Kudos. Bonus points. Honesty! I think he loves me.
When added together, it looks kind of like this: the last time I did it I still regret, the beneficiary is writing me out of their life even before I have done it again, I cannot handle it and my support person cannot either. I am waving the white flag. It feels like defeat. I am strong, right? I CAN do this, right? I am taking care of me and my (hopefully) future family. I am just going to lose a piece of my current family because of it.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

With Love Always,

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