Everyone knows there is big change ahead for me. I am so excited. I also have big plans for the next year, though I am certain most of them will not come to be.
When I move, I will have a two bedroom apartment. This. is. dangerous. I do not want a roommate. That second bedroom? Yeah, it is for a baby. I have baby fever as it is. There seems to be some potential for the ex and I to reunite. He has made great strides as far as learning to deal with himself and his anger. Who knows what will come. I just know that within the next year, I want a little person growing in me again. I know this will not replace the B shaped hole I have in my heart. I do not expect it to. I just know that I am so frustrated with this whole 'mother without a child' feeling. I will always be a mother without my first child. Soon, I hope to be a mother with a child. I have debated single motherhood. That is certainly not the path I have dreamed of. I just know I have these instincts and I need to do something with them.
Work..oh work. I will still be working 50+ hours a week. I will not be able to give that up, even if I do get pregnant. I just need the money. That scares me. If the ex does indeed pan out (who knows) I will not be in need of money so much. That would be awesome, but I can not let myself expect it.
I just got overwhelmed.
With Love Always
Me
Wow. Well you know how I feel about the ex....though I'm glad to hear that he's working through some of the crap he's put you and himself through. I hope that if you do get back together with him that he doesn't slip back into old habits...and neither do you. There are a lot of habits that are formed in any relationship, both good and bad...and I know that in a breakup and reconciliation that it tends to be very easy for the same situations to form again. I also hope that as your "deadline" gets closer for wanting to be pregnant again that you don't force something that's not there with him simply to conceive. I know you're a smart woman. I don't think that you'll do that on purpose. But I also know the desire to be a momma is REALLY powerful and can override the more practical considerations.
ReplyDeleteI'm truly glad that you know already that your new little one won't ever replace your "B-sized hole." :-) I love you, my friend.
I love you Monkia. I dont know what will become of Erik and I. I know that (already) having my own place (in my name! yay!) has changed the way I feel about myself and not NEEDING someone else to survive, so maybe he wont come back into my life. I dont know. I just know that you are right, the desire to be a momma can override everything else. I hope I can talk myself out of it, but for now...I want mommahood!
ReplyDeleteWooow! Where ever your journey leads you, you know we will all be here with you! I so hope that one day you get to become a mommy again!
ReplyDeleteI always have said that Cody has most of my heart.. and now he shares it with Lillian! I know this will happen for you! I hope you know how cool you are woman!:)<3