What qualifies a man as a birthdad versus a sperm donor? Is one really better than the other? Does having one or the other make the decision to place any easier?
For me during my pregnancy, there was no question that E was to be a birthdad (I didn't know the term existed though!) once B was born. Aside from the cheating on me, he treated me as if this was our child through my whole pregnancy. His older brother had always joked not to let E get me pregnant because he would just run. Well, E did not run. He went to my doctor appointments with me. He indulged my cravings. When times were so tight that we only had the money to feed one of us, it was I that ate. For these things, I will always love him.
There is nothing that will take away the bond we have -- of loving B and wanting to parent him but giving that dream up so B may thrive. Having his support was priceless. Sometimes, though, I think he is slipping into sperm donor territory. He all but refuses to talk about B. I know it is painful for him to even think about the adoption, but darned it that is his son. He has not yet made the call to apologize for the ridiculous things he said about T's children. He does not intend to.
Now that he is moving back to Va (he left Saturday), he is going to solidify himself as birthfather or sperm donor. I never imagined that sliding scale. I NEVER thought E would be towards the disappointing end of it. I feel like placement would have been so much easier if he started on the sperm donor end. I know he would have supported me if we decided to raise B. I sometimes wish that I never would have had that option.
Birthmoms tend to be birthmoms for life. There is no rescinding that title. Do birthdads have that same right, no matter their actions towards the adoption? Does E's distance from B, be it from pain, fear or stupidity, somehow change where he sits in the adoption?
In the beginning I thought adoption was a thing. Now I know it is more an animal -- living, breathing, always changing. I can't wait for the next chapter.