I have a hard, hard time admitting what I am about to say. I will never tell B. I only admit it here because it is a part of MY pregnancy story. With the small hope I have that some distraught pregnant woman may read this blog, not feel so alone, and maybe chose adoption over abortion, I feel like I have to be honest.
My pregnancy was not all roses.
The day of my scheduled first OB visit w T, I almost committed suicide. I thought it would be easier on me (and in my hysterical at that point mind B) if we both just died and got this whole thing over with. E knew this. E did what he could to stop me. He hugged me, told me he loved me, held my hand and kissed me. Then he did something I will never understand -- he let me leave so I could make my own decision. All that stopped me was the lack of a guarantee that my plan would work.
I am glad I did not. I wouldn't know B if I had. I would not be as in love with him as I am now had I jumped from that bridge.
My other pregnancy secret? Until I felt B move inside me, I tried to induce a miscarriage. This I have only admitted to one other person, E. Granted, I did not do much to try, but when I tried I hoped. I hoped that my beautiful, amazing son would pass from me so that I did not have to share him with anyone else. I am completely opposed to abortion for me, but somehow this was ok. I am SO thankful that I was not successful. I can not even imagine how low I must have been to be that selfish and scared.
I am not an adoption superstar, a birthmom who has not felt pain. I am ashamed of some of my journey, but I need to admit it all the same. Be gentle with your criticism to this one, please. Moreso, if anyone out there is reading this and is in the place I was (mentally) when I made those decisions, feel free to contact me. I might not be much help, but I am here to listen. Adoption is not all roses.
With Love Always