Everyone knows there is big change ahead for me. I am so excited. I also have big plans for the next year, though I am certain most of them will not come to be.
When I move, I will have a two bedroom apartment. This. is. dangerous. I do not want a roommate. That second bedroom? Yeah, it is for a baby. I have baby fever as it is. There seems to be some potential for the ex and I to reunite. He has made great strides as far as learning to deal with himself and his anger. Who knows what will come. I just know that within the next year, I want a little person growing in me again. I know this will not replace the B shaped hole I have in my heart. I do not expect it to. I just know that I am so frustrated with this whole 'mother without a child' feeling. I will always be a mother without my first child. Soon, I hope to be a mother with a child. I have debated single motherhood. That is certainly not the path I have dreamed of. I just know I have these instincts and I need to do something with them.
Work..oh work. I will still be working 50+ hours a week. I will not be able to give that up, even if I do get pregnant. I just need the money. That scares me. If the ex does indeed pan out (who knows) I will not be in need of money so much. That would be awesome, but I can not let myself expect it.
I just got overwhelmed.
With Love Always