Friday, April 6


I am writing this post from my phone, so please forgive the mistakes.

Duty. Such an odd word, with such strong rooted meaning. It's a philosophical thing as much as a real thing. How do I see my duty, to the world, to Monkey, to myself?

At this very moment, this quiet space in time, I see my duty in life as simple : walk down my own path, my own life road, without impeding on the walk of others. How, then, does this relate to little Mr.Monkey?

I have a duty, a responsibility, to allow him access to his records, his past and his family of oragin. Do I have a duty to put myself in his life, to push in where I have clearly been pushed out? Is it more my duty to be here, available, when he comes calling? I don't know. Is it my duty to think of him daily, to speak of him in the sad times and the happy? Is it somehow my responsibility to cry on mother's day and his birthday? I don't know. My changed place in his family makes this complicated.

It is, I know, my duty to myself to find healing, peace, contentment. I do not have to forgive his parents, but I do need to find a place of sanctuary from this.

As a member of a somewhat exclusive 'club', I have made it my duty to be available, a resource to the expanding world of adoption. Maybe that is a big task to take on, but what good is knowledge if we don't share?

What do you think your duty is, no matter your role in adoption?

With love always,


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  1. Its my duty to love my daughter and to accept her for who she is and to respect that adoption gave her parents that isn't myself. I don't have to like them but honestly they have never given me a chance to know them. It stings when she mentions them but its my duty that she not know that. Please don't feel like you have to cry on birthdays or holidays. Also, know its not wrong to do so. I can onlygive advice from a closed adoption experience but do whatever is possible to keep it open. The not knowing I would think is worse but I do get rejection cause my daughters parents have rejectede me over and over again. But someone tell me why I am thinking of sending flowers to her mom on mothers day? Guess adoption loss makes us do crazy things.

    1. I understand the flowers thing - though they may not acknowledge you, they are (in an estranged sort of way) family. I want my son's mom to feel supported in her roll of mother, by me and her commumity, family, friends, etc.
      I guess what I was trying to get to in this post is this:
      Is it my duty to let him know that I always carry him with me or my duty to show him that I found peace in my decision, that I hope beyond measure that he does not need to always carry me around as if something were missing?
      Is being a birthmom a job, a responsibility, a privelidge?

  2. I have never really thought of being a birthmom with any of those but if I have to pick one I would say it's a responsibility because your child didn't have a choice in the matter to be adopted or not. I don't see why you can't carry your son with you and also find peace. Just because you want to know him and know how he is doing doesn't mean that you are not at peace with your decision. I am reunited with my daughter and I was honest with my daughter that I didn't want adoption and wanted to raise her. I am not going to say or not say something because it's what I think she would want to hear. However, it's not something that I will continue to bring up ect.
    Only time will tell if your son will feel like something is missing when it comes to you. I don't think my daughter felt like something was missing but she was very open to slowly getting to know me.

  3. I agree with a lot of what "birthmomtalks" said. You're not obligated (as "duty" implies) to do anything or not to do anything regarding Monkey. However, you were and always will be his birth mother. That carries with it certain responsibilities, which I would interpret as being open and available should he ever want to find you. I also would keep sending him cards/gifts on his birthday - we can only hope his parents are keeping those somewhere for him (and hopefully giving them to him at the point of receipt). However you shouldn't feel like you have a duty to mourn him....and as far as pushing yourself in when you've been so clearly pushed out? I don't think that sending him cards/gifts on occasions is pushing yourself in. But like you & "birthmomtalks" said, reaching out to his mom is a good thing, even though I KNOW it hurts you (and that kills me). To continue to validate her as his mom can hopefully only help her to see that you just want to be included in their lives - you don't want to take over or be in a relationship only with Monkey to the exclusion of anyone else that's important to him. (I don't know if I'm making sense - I hope I am.)

    As far as continuing to write about adoption from an education perspective - YES!! Even though your experience has not been positive or ideal, it's important to get that out there because it CAN happen. Plus, I like to think writing about your experiences is a sort of community therapy. You can get support from all kinds of people you wouldn't have access to in your normal every day circle.