I suppose it is time for some sort of year end wrap up, and Heather has given me the perfect topic. Open Adoption Round Table #33 is a simple one - What did you learn about adoption in 2011.
Ah, thinking back a full year ago and where I was in my adoption journey is so bitter sweet. I was (slowly, then hurriedly) deciding to move back home, to be near his family and near my dearest friends. The Ex had not yet moved back, but was making his plans as well. He left for VA in February. T&H had not told me of their impending (and then non-existant) divorce. Last Christmas, I boxed up my Wii and mailed it to Monkey and Family. About this time last year, there was a story T wanted to tell me about them opening it, but she was busy right that moment. I still haven't heard it.
So what have I learned?
I've learned that my heart is capable of breaking daily over the same things.
I've learned that loving someone sometimes does mean giving them (or their family) space, not making yourself an intruder.
I've learned that adoption is the most bitter
sweet pill to swallow. It has knocked me on my ass time and again, and also given me a reason to tread onward.
I've learned, groomed, the pain of missing birthdays, holidays, first days of school. Things that can never be recreated.
Facebook stalking, it turns out, leaves more questions than answers (i.e. Monkey's aunt, who was living with T&H, has been kicked out but no idea why) and sometimes just is not worth it.
I can still love children, with my whole heart, even though there is a piece of it missing.
I have learned that adoption does not define me in the way a shape has defined boundaries, but instead leaves me feeling infinate, the way the universe is without end.
Fear destroys things, I've always known, but never this intensley.
The Ex will never step up and hug Monkey, be a part of his life. I never wanted to learn that. When Ex moved back to Va, I thought there was hope. There isn't.
I have learned that there are people who will step up and love (and accept) my son without ever meeting him, because he is a part of me. They may not understand my decision but they respect it.
That's all what I have learned about my adoption. That's only half of the picture. What have I learned about the machine, the world, that is adoption?
Adoption does not cure the ache of infertility. It does not stop the tears. I have learned that there are couples who celebrate the similarities of their [adopted] child to the child's birth parents. I have learned that adoption is one word that encompasses so many different situations. From foster care, from other countries, from the streets and from the heart. There is no way for any person to understand it all.
I've learned that adoption is just huge. I cannot be an advocate for all of it. I cannot put my heart in all of the places I want to and still have any left over. Somehow I didn't realize, but have learned in the past year, that not all families are looking for 'perfect' children, that some 'specialize' in adopting children that are other than 'perfect'.
Mostly, I have learned that love is a big word, does big things, and changes hearts.
In 2011, I learned that I hate my adoption but love so many others. Oh, and I learned that I love my Lils, my Adian, My J, and all of my internet babies born into adoption.
With Love Always