Wednesday, December 28

Little Miss

Little Miss Down on Love,
Little Miss I Give Up

Seems that’s my theme lately. Christmas came and went and my heart broke and raged. This year was less about sad and more about anger. Unadulterated, undirected anger. The One was out of town, a pre-arranged trip with his family. T & H never called, sent pics, or anything else. I expected as much.  
Little Miss I’ll get tough, don’t you worry about me anymore.
Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One big mess
Little Miss I’ll take less when I always take so much more

If that ain’t the truth. The One and family landed Monday, I picked them up from the airport. The One came to my house after and we were happy. Well, mostly.
His medication is affecting our smexy life. Horribly. I won’t go into detail, but it is killing my self-esteem. Add to that the fact that someone I thought was a bff instead posted a terrible picture of me on FB and allowed (joined into) a discussion about how disgusting I am. There was the rejection this past year has brought from Monkey’s family. Yeah, needless to say I was pretty low. Really low.
Monday night was (mostly) uneventful, except for me wanting to crawl into a  hole. Then yesterday happened, and it went off like a bomb. For Christmas, mom wanted me to tell her why I no longer hang out with her. I knew this would not go over well and was trying to avoid it. My reasoning is my own, but I just don’t have a need or reason to be around someone constantly stoned. It just is not attractive to me. She finally cornered me last night and asked, again, why I did not hang out with her. When the ‘I am an adult and have my own life’ type excuses did not pacify her, shit got real. We argued quite a while. She threw the fact that I hang out with adoption peeps in my face. I thought of punching her, but let it go.
Then she tried to throw the fact that The One used to smoke (a lot) of pot in my face. I told her exactly what he told me – that he values our relationship more than weed and that he quit. She laughed at me and bitched about something else. Eventually she ran off in tears and I was beyond caring.
Until she slunk back up the stairs, asking The One a cryptic question and then if he wanted to go ‘spark up’. This was the breaking point for me, I didn’t know what to do. Turns out he was smoking with her just that morning. She wanted he and I to fight about it, got very frustrated when I told her I could handle and to get out of my relationship.
Little Miss You’ll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars

The One and mom then got into it – he doesn’t take lightly to someone sticking their nose in his relationship. In the mean time, my head is spinning, I don’t know what to think. Just 3 days ago he says one thing, today he does another. What else was he hiding? How was I stupid enough to believe him? Why was I that stupid?
I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t scream or insult him. We talked like adults. My heart hurts, my trust is cracked. I don’t know what this means for us. I know we are trying to work through it and he damn well better never lie to me again.
In the mean time, Mom is angry that The One has told me about ‘private’ conversations between the two of them, on such topics as ‘Is Debbie trying to get pregnant?’  (No, for the curious). WTF makes my reproductive choices a private conversation that does not involve me? Why does she have the right to get my bf to hide things from me? I don’t know, I am just so lost and confused today.
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

With Love Always,

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