I woke this morning fiercely protective, feeling every mothering urge I have ever felt. That deep in your soul no holds barred instinct was alive and awake and roaring. There were no children about. I am having another ‘I can’t do this’ day in my head about my relationship, Sugarbutt and how real it all is.
I dreamed of Boyfriend and Sugarbutt last night, for the first time. This is why I awoke MOTHER – at least in mode. We were somewhere where there was a subway – the underground type, not the food type. We got off of the train, whose stop was above ground this time. I decided I wanted to stay up top while Boyfriend and Sugarbutt went down to the underground level and I would meet them on the other side of the stop. I saw them disappear together down the stairs and I walked over to the other side, waiting to see my boys again. Suddenly I got this feeling that something was wrong, and not just a little. I rushed down the subway stairs and saw, right there, Boyfriend and Sugarbutt lying on the ground, bleeding. From their positioning, it was apparent Boyfriend was carrying Sugarbutt and then they fell. Boyfriend was on his side, arm draped over Sugarbutt, bleeding from the mouth. Sugarbutt was scared, watching Daddy breathe but not move. As soon as Sugarbutt saw me he stretched his arms out towards me and I ran to grab him. Instinct. It was pure instinct. In my dream, I held him so close and cried while I watched as people helped Boyfriend up. In a flash it was over (well, ok I woke up). I can’t wait to see my little Sugarbutt this weekend.
Boyfriend and I are still recovering from our first real fight. It was not pretty, but it was also not really about us. He is going through a whole lot of emotions right now and needs his space. I don’t think that he quite realized how much he has going on and it all just came to a head Sunday. He used his one chance to pack his stuff and leave. He knows this. Remember how I said I did not want to compromise with him because I knew he would come to resent me for it? Yeah, that was a part of it. He does. We have not (yet) discussed the issues that were us, but we will get there. He broke the promise behind our compromise, so there is a bit of trust he needs to earn back.
I was debating scrapping the whole thing, walking away, until last night. These are my boys. I am crying now just thinking about Sugarbutt getting hurt. I will fight for this, I will make sure to protect me in the process. Boyfriend’s rage sounds a lot like Useless’. Boyfriend’s is just a lot less frequent and less violent. It is less directed at me and more in my direction. It is less anger and more frustration. I am just scared. Flashbacks suck.
Where I have been IS different from where I am going.
With Love Always