You know that point of happiness where you are just certain that something HORRIBLE lurks just around the corner? The place in exhaustion where even a mondo gigantic Rockstar being shot-gunned down won’t cure the fuzzy on your brain? That’s where I am right now.
G has decided he is my Sugarbutt. Well, and Gramma’s, and Pappa’s and Daddy’s and Mommy’s, but my name always comes first on the list. He is enamored with me. He keeps telling his mom (!!) that when he comes to Daddy’s he can see Debbie. This has made my heart cry some huge happy tears, lemme tell ya. He wasn’t at Daddy’s an hour before I got there this week and already he told Daddy that he missed me. Twice this weekend there were unprompted ‘I love you Debbie’’s. This is awesome. This is hard. As per tradition, G and his family (Gma, Gpa, Daddy and sometimes Uncle) all go out to breakfast Sunday mornings for ‘pamcakes’. Afterwards, this week, we went down to a little beach park and took G out to the ocean for the first time. My heart stood still walking with him down to the water, him holding my hand on one side and P’s on the other. This is what I want. A family. Sob.
P is still having problems letting go of the fact that G is not my responsibility, that I know I am dating a man with a child. When G got up at the butt crack of dawn Sunday, I offered to get up with him and let P sleep. After all I was awake anyway (see: Debbie is part zombie). P looked at me, blinked and said ‘No, it’s ok. He is not your responsibility.’ This does not fly any longer. When he asked me to love G as if he was my own, he lost all ability to say this to me (ok, unless G needs a bath or anything that involves him not having underwear on. I am not comfortable enough with him yet to be ok with that). I understood, but I was fuming. I told P last night that he could either tell me G wasn’t my responsibility or that I should love him like my own, but that he could not say both to me. He took it well.
We have begun to talk about when the engagement will happen. There is no doubt in either of our minds that this will last, now it is just about logistics. I plan for next year on vacation back home. He doesn’t know for sure that he will be able to come with me. He did say something Sat night, though that clued me into how serious he is. We were talking about something and a lull in the conversation happened. He smiled, looked at me, and said ‘I’m gonna make a funny haha now. Let’s just go get hitched.’ Knowing men (people?) like I do, I know that what he meant was ‘I wish this could be true right now.’ I am not stupid enough to get married two months in, but I can’t wait for the day when we do.
I had an AIDS related cry fest last night. As many of you know, I have a dear friend whom we though had HIV several years ago. He slept with someone questionable and the days awaiting those test results were torture. Well, last night we were discussing the (one year ago) passing of P’s best friend and I couldn’t hold the tears in. I don’t know that I could have survived without my best friend; don’t know how I would have taken the news that he had HIV. Thank you, dear friend, for always being a phone call away. Condoms save lives. Never forget it kids (or adults!).
This is all so different from what I am used to. P has offered to help pay bills, he has told me repeatedly that I am part of the family. He keeps taking me to meet his friends. I know that meeting Baby Momma is close. I am fairly certain he wanted it to be this past weekend, but he never vocalized it so I played stupid. Our routine, on Sundays with G, is that we go to breakfast, come home, play some and when G goes down for his nap, I leave. P seemed reluctant for me to leave this time. I knew what he wanted. I should have offered to stay, but they have only just begun to speak to one another civilly. I know she knows I am around G a lot. When she would call over the weekend, P made a point of mentioning that I was playing with Sugarbutt, or when Sugarbutt would speak to Baby Mamma he would tell her that ‘Dobbie is here. I am having fun’.
Things are starting to settle into place. I am so excited and scared all at once.
I miss my B.
With Love Always