Friday, September 16

On Confusion:

T is not talking to me, well, unless she is. She won't answer my questions about why she closed everything in April. She won't tell me what is going on with the lawyer, where anything stands.
She will tell me that she loves me, that I am amazing. I don't really know how to translate that from words to what it means for our relationship. It hurts.
I got through B's bday. The night before was way harder than the actual day. I spent the 14th (day before) crying because that was the day my water broke, the last day that he was really mine. The 15th, I couldn't bring myself to cry, to be sad. I am happy that he exists, thrilled that he is in this world. Today, though, I am down again.
Maybe her 'awakening' has something to do with the fact that I put B as my profile pic on FB, that I am obviously missing him. Maybe it is the not-so-cryptic birthday present I sent him.
I am terrified to call her. I have always been. Calling her is panic-attack inducing, not because of anything shes ever done but because omg what if I say/think/breathe wrong? She has the power.
E says he is going by this weekend. I believe that as much as I believe anything he tells me, which is to say not at all. He didnt acknowledge me on B's bday or Mother's day. I am writing him off as even a birth parent. He hasn't seen B since he was a month and 1/2 old, hasn't attempted in the 6 months he has been back in Va. I am confused, deeply. I know that I must always love them, they are family. I am just not sure how to protect myself too.

With Love Always,

P.S. This is the message I sent her on the 14th:
Just thought I'd tell you that I am thinking of you guys. 4 years ago, almost now exactly, my water broke, starting a transition that made B less my son and more yours. I will never forget that night, and no matter the situation you guys will never be anything less than a part of my family.
Her response? We love you.

This is good, right?


  1. It's better than no response at all. Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with the more...pressing questions or something. You know I'm not trying to excuse T's behavior (at least I hope you know), but I'm trying to give you an explanation that will bring you at least some level of peace with the whole situation. I'm sorry I wasn't around to support you the day before B's bday. I feel bad. I know what the 1st bday was like for me (even though it wasn't his 1st). *hugs* And.....Happy Belated Birthday, most awesome B!

  2. I hope this is the start of communication. I knew you were camping and cell was spotty, don't feel bad. I love you dearly anyway. I just don't know how to approach her anymore.