Wednesday, September 21

It's Only a Carseat

Yeah, you are right, but the thought of installing one in my truck is overwhelming, of picking out a carseat for a child that is not-quite-mine is huge. Every day I think of G a little more as a part of my family, but the idea of something that shows that – it scares me. The idea of looking into my mirror every morning and seeing a space reserved for him, just him, makes me giddy with nervousness

Then there is the looking back and seeing a space for him, not B - an empty seat where my son could have been.  I don’t really need it, not in practical terms. G is only with P (ahem, us) every other weekend. I would use it a whopping 4 days of the month, yet I cannot dissuade myself from it. It’s a mark of permanence. It’s my way of showing that I am committed to G

P and I have discussed the potential for children of our genetic material in the future. He (rightfully) wants none until ‘I can accept G as my own’. I’m not even sure how to tell if I have done that, how to show when I have. There is no chance we are making a child in the next few years anyway ( be still my uterus), but at the same time I do love G. This would be something I could to do show it

Hell, I have problems even knowing what to call myself in relation to G. I am not his mom. I will never be. I am not his step mom. Not even close. I am not…well, any more than daddy’s girlfriend, but I feel SO protective, so enamored with him. This having him around every other weekend thing is tough. It’s not enough

I am not trying to plug the B shaped hole in my life with G. It wouldn’t work. There is some therapy, though, in having someone to mother. There is healing in having a child love me. There is also fear and a little of the past in my eyes every time I see him. The certainty that I will love G come hell or high water damn the consequences and then I will lose him. The thought of losing P rings just as large. Yet I am committed. For the first time in a long time, this relationship feels good

Good in ways my last did not. With Chris, I knew he was always looking over his shoulder, always for a way out. I loved him, I wanted it to last but I knew better.  P? Well, we’ve already discussed the ‘no camo in the wedding’ rule. He IS good to me. Actively. In ways other than he is good to me because he is not being bad to me. I want there to be a point where G never remembers his life before me, where P and I can at least be a stable landing point for him when we have him.

(We is still hard to say, to think, to imagine.) This has come to the point where I will be meeting G’s mom soon. I have begun to refer to P’s wifey due to her constant need to be in contact with him. He said something the other day that I’m not even sure he realizes he said that showed me how ready HE is for us to meet. We were discussing what to do with G this weekend and that I really wanted to take G to the movies with us last weekend. P’s response? You know if you ever want to do something with him on a weekend we don’t have him (we!?!?!) I can call (insert mother’s name) and WE can go pick him up’. Um.

It’s only a carseat, right?
I was driving home after writing this post and it hit me - a carseat was E & I's symbol of our future. He bought a car with carseat anchors for our future kids. He called me one day giddy that he had discovered a way to mount a carseat in boat. It was our hope. It was why I stayed with him. Getting one for G is a way of showing that E is behind me, that he is not my future. It shows (me) that I am moving on, that I am planning a future with my family that he is not a part of. It's a big step. It is the right step. It's a start.

 With Love Always
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  1. It's NOT only a carseat! I think your feelings are totally justified. You are a good... hmm... stand-in Mommy? for him. :) Clearly you're being careful not to over-step your boundaries in terms of your role in his life, but don't sell yourself short either. <3

  2. Thank you. I am scared to over step anything, but P has made it clear that he wants me there. This is all so complex!