Grieving

I <s>want</s> need you to know that if I tell you I am fine any time in the next few days, I am lying. I am having a lot of anxiety. I am working through a lot of resentment. I am scared. I am hurting. I am trusting, and that is so hard for me. I am angry with people who would not care that I am. I just want to hide.

I’ve got support, yes, but I really don’t want to show that I am hurting. I want to keep it private, but the pain is overwhelming. I am breaking. I don’t know how to being to trust in myself again when the two people I trusted with my whole world have turned their backs on me.

I am resentful. I resent that E can go on like nothing ever changed. I resent that he was not torn apart by our decision. I resent him for being so close yet keeping so far away. I resent my dear friends, adoptive parents, who have taken part in this adoption world. I hate it, I know I would normally be over the moon for them, but for now? Now I resent them. Just looking at their dear adopted kids (who I love and adore, and most days I am so thankful that they are raising) stirs up anger. There is trauma in adoption, in every angle of it. I resent that. I resent myself for making what was the right decision.

I am scared that I will never know my son. That this is a permanent change. That I have done something wrong, something to endanger our future. I am scared that my fear is going to ruin current relationships. Scared that I will not come out of my shell, that depression will swallow me whole. I am afraid that people will turn their backs on me now, when I am fighting so hard that I have nothing left to give.

I am trusting that they will come back to me, that this is not forever. I am trusting him not to hurt me, not to rip my heart out. I am trusting my friends to be supportive. I need it. I will not make it alone. I can not make it alone. I trust that admitting that does not make me weak.

I am so angry. I am angry with the universe for letting it turn like this. I am angry with T&H. I am angry with me. I am angry with E. I am angry that I cannot make it all better. I am angry that I am asking for help, asking to put my burdens on other people. I am angry that I have to fight these fights, that adoption exists. I am angry at the industry.

I am grieving.  

With Love Always,
Me