Tuesday, September 13


I <s>want</s> need you to know that if I tell you I am fine any time in the next few days, I am lying. I am having a lot of anxiety. I am working through a lot of resentment. I am scared. I am hurting. I am trusting, and that is so hard for me. I am angry with people who would not care that I am. I just want to hide.
I’ve got support, yes, but I really don’t want to show that I am hurting. I want to keep it private, but the pain is overwhelming. I am breaking. I don’t know how to being to trust in myself again when the two people I trusted with my whole world have turned their backs on me.
I am resentful. I resent that E can go on like nothing ever changed. I resent that he was not torn apart by our decision. I resent him for being so close yet keeping so far away. I resent my dear friends, adoptive parents, who have taken part in this adoption world. I hate it, I know I would normally be over the moon for them, but for now? Now I resent them. Just looking at their dear adopted kids (who I love and adore, and most days I am so thankful that they are raising) stirs up anger. There is trauma in adoption, in every angle of it. I resent that. I resent myself for making what was the right decision.
I am scared that I will never know my son. That this is a permanent change. That I have done something wrong, something to endanger our future. I am scared that my fear is going to ruin current relationships. Scared that I will not come out of my shell, that depression will swallow me whole. I am afraid that people will turn their backs on me now, when I am fighting so hard that I have nothing left to give.
I am trusting that they will come back to me, that this is not forever. I am trusting him not to hurt me, not to rip my heart out. I am trusting my friends to be supportive. I need it. I will not make it alone. I can not make it alone. I trust that admitting that does not make me weak.
I am so angry. I am angry with the universe for letting it turn like this. I am angry with T&H. I am angry with me. I am angry with E. I am angry that I cannot make it all better. I am angry that I am asking for help, asking to put my burdens on other people. I am angry that I have to fight these fights, that adoption exists. I am angry at the industry.

I am grieving.  
With Love Always,


  1. I know this may not be what you were looking for, but girl, I applaud you. I applaud you for telling it like it is, telling it the way most people (including myself) wont, out of fear.

    I am going through a similar situation... my open adoption has become quickly closed and I get no communications anymore.

    Im here for you hun, you know where to find me ;-)
    TeeBaby216 in twitter

  2. <3 I dont know what I am looking for.

  3. I'm so very sorry. I'm a year out and go up and down as well. Some days adoption feels like the best thing since sliced bread and then some days it weighs me down heavily. All I can say is I know exactly how you are feeling and I am sending you thoughts of peace, and clarity, and support.

  4. Thinking of you tonight, and always. And I know I'm one of 'those' that you're talking about... I hate that with so much joy is so much pain, and I hate that YOU are the one with the pain right now. Sending love, prayers, encouragement, and faith to you!

  5. Thank you guys. You know I am over the moon happy for you jen, the pain is just raw. Even 4 years out, some days it still feels like ... like I've lost my soul.