Sunday, July 3

A definition of sorts

I don't know if this will come out on paper as well as it does in my head, wish me luck.

What is adoption?
It is the most loving thing you could do.
It is beautiful family making.
It is selflesss.
It is rainbows and butterflies.

It is the most cruel thing you could do to a child, to abandon it in the days after thier birth.
It is selfish.
It is shameful.
It is the easy way out.

I see the look on your face. Neither of these definitions are true, not completely.

Adoption is a beautiful trauma. It is simultaneously the most amazing and worst journey I have ever been on. It's deeply scaring and yet somehow it helps me to rebuild. It's the secret that I want to tell the world about.

Adoption is in pictures like this, where I wonder if that is my attitude coming out , and like this where I know that his family is coming out in him:
(he is fine, but that look? Competely T)

Adoption is the days where I wish this was his reality:
and the days where I am happy that this is instead:
Adoption is the most lovingly selfishly scary thing I have ever done. My B, I love you with all of my being.  I am sorry to have failed to be your mother, and yet so happy that someone else has succeeded.

Yes, sometimes I want to see her, them, fail. I want to know that B needs me. I'd die for just one text that says 'he looks/acts/walks/breathes just like you', just one acknowledgment of the connection.

Yet he looks like his mom, and I am glad. I don't want there to be questions for his whole life about why he is 'different'.

Adoption has made me a bigger, better, deeper person.

It has also taken away some of my soul, but I would sacrifice that every day forever for this little man.

With Love Always, 


  1. Beautiful post! You capture how I feel very's beautiful but it's heartbreaking. I especially relate to "some days you wish it looked like this but other days you are glad it looks like that". Every time I get an update or family news I am grateful and happy for adoption but sometimes the everyday reminders weigh me down.

  2. I am very much thinking of sending a copy of this post to my son's amom, but it terrifies me. I feel like a superstar that YOU commented on MY post! You are kind of a rockstar birthmom in my book! Thank you for the comment. Updates don't so much come for me, aside from pictures on facebook. It's better than nothing, but what I wouldn't give for a box of letters from them.

  3. is it bad I feel like that to? I feel like WE did something wrong even though I know WE didnt. I think about him everyday.

  4. At the same time we did, when we failed to be his parents. It's an amazingly horrible thing, really.

  5. I appreciate that, but sorry is not necessary - see the pictures where I wish that was his reality and I am glad that this is. It's horrible because I am selfish, it's awesome because he is loved.

  6. I love you. You captured so beautifully how being a birthmother feels. How I feel. I don't share your exact pain, but I'm there with you just the same.

  7. Ohhhh...and you should send a copy to T. I think she needs to read it.

  8. I think you are right, but I will have to find a way to copy and paste it from here onto something else, as I dont want her reading my whole blog!

  9. Beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. Well said Deb!