Sunday, June 19


These are my goals, and they dont make sense. I know that.

To never love another person again. Easier not to get hurt that way.
To not have needs, really, outside of living and breathing. Can't be the needy one that way.
To let go of my fear. I won't ruin another relationship that way.
Never, never let anyone else in. They just don't deserve it.

Yeah, so today is going pretty crappy. Can ya tell? I went off on Chris this morning because I am tired of only being his option. He knows he is a priority to me, I would love the same with him. His mom is complaining (rightfully so) that she never sees him. Instead of cutting out some of the shit he does 5 nights a week (i.e. work on cars with the same 2 guys every night after work) I am the thing he cuts back on. I'd be lying if I didn't tell  you how much that makes me want to give up. I have tried so damn hard. I want this so badly. If he doesn't have the time/desire/whatever for this, though, I cannot make him.
Yes, my stupid heart soars when he is around. I do REALLY like him, REALLY want this. I started to give up Tuesday though. When he was supposed to be coming over but something came up and one of his car buddies needed him. Not that he hadn't just been there the night before or wouldnt be there the next night. Whatever. Then Thursday, I fell apart. Cried, screamed, was angry and sad all at once. That's when I heard about T and her ... betterness (??). Instead of coming over, holding my hand and letting me cry, he was with (dun dun dun) the car guys. I fucking needed him here. I would have done anything to curl up in his arms and have him tell me everything was ok. Too bad. Last night I was battling a horrid migraine. He was at a Mariner's game with his dad, fair enough. Told me he might come over when it was done, he'd text me and let me know. Guess who sat by the phone till 1 am waiting? Yeah, I have fool stamped across my head. I know.
And then today. He said he was gonna come over tonight, but since his mom misses him, that's not happening either. Monday he spends the evening with the car boys. Tuesday, maybe I will see him. Seriously? This isn't working for me. Do I blame it all on him not knowing how to do this? Do I just give up and move on? I don't know. It just hurts. He still hasn't done any of the other shit he says he will do - I know no one in his family, I am always uninvited when he goes out with the guys. Facebook declares him single. When do I give up? Why did I even let myself care to begin with?
Because my heart is two sizes too big, and he was too good to be true.

With Love Always


  1. He doesn't deserve you when he acts like this, but I know that doesn't help you to know that. I want to wring his neck for spending so much time with the car dudes. I agree. There's NO way when he spends so much time with them that there's an "emergency" on a car that can't wait until the next time he's there. I think he's more afraid that he'll lose their friendship "because of a girl" than he is of losing "said girl" (namely you), which is heartbreaking to me. He's been SO good for you up until recently, at least. Now it seems that he's not good for you anymore. I don't know what to tell you - I wish I did, and I wish it was that simple. You don't want to threaten him because while that may work temporarily, it can cause resentment in the future. Maybe tell him that you understand his friends are important to him, and that his mother is too, but that you would like some time in there as well. That you don't want to take away from any of his other activities, but that no one likes feeling like they're the last thing on the list, which is how you feel right now. I'm glad you vented on him yesterday. While this may not have been the ultimate solution for the relationship in general, I'm sure it felt good to let some of that stuff out. I'm always here to talk.... <3 you

  2. If I could get him to talk to me for 10 damn minutes, we could fix this. Too bad he is avoiding it.