Monday, June 27

Things and Stuff

I am drained today. Physically and mentally. I will be asleep within the hour, I am certain.
Why so tired? Physically, I spent Sunday at Seattle Pride. From 1030 A.M. until...well, I got home about 2 this morning. I recommend everyone goes. My heart swelled. The happiness was everywhere. There was no hate. People in pretty (creative, awesome) outfits. Nakedness in the international fountain. Cheesecake on a stick. And, well, a boy man. Yeah, C is on the way out. He still refuses to discuss whatever is going on with us with me, so I am done.
Don't worry. New guy is not a complete stranger. We have mutual friends. He lives less than 5 miles from me. He is super attractive, intelligent, sarcastic, open, and has intense blue eyes. I don't know where we will stand yet, other than we act like 5 year olds around one another. (That was declared by the 17 year old in our group. I'm no good at subtle.) He seems to plan to see me more, and I think that'll be Wed night when he hosts trivia night at a bar right down the road from my house. He knows about B already.
Let me just say how freeing it was to hear him say 'I have a daughter' and to immediately respond with 'I have a son'. I had to push the words 'he was adopted by someone else' out, though. They still feel like knives crawling up my throat, like bitter bile when I spit them out, but at least it's out there.
Back to the happy part. R and I went to three different bars last night, one for food, one for trivia and one for karaoke. It was a blast. I laughed so hard. I felt wanted. He introduced me to all of his friends, who were quick to tell me how much of a good guy he is. Unsolicited. He is trouble. I know this. He is trouble because he is fun. He admits it. Even has business cards with his name and contact info on them that say 'The nicest guy you will ever hate'. I am intrigued. Not in love, not even close. I need to take this one slow. I don't even know if he wants a relationship right now, or if its just friendship and flirting.
Yes, I am sad at losing (er, whatever) C. Yes, I really really wanted that to work. It stings. It hurts. I do not understand how he changed so much so quickly, but that's what it is. I wish him all the best, and I wish this had happened in a few years when he was all grown up. (Ahem. R is 9 years older than me. Check the grown up box now, please, before we have a marshmallow fight or something.) I had hopes and intentions and ..ah, but what do they matter now? I've given up.

Mentally, why am I exhausted? T and I are now FB friends again. I really really am nervous and scared about this. I cannot bring myself to talk to her yet. She has pictures, though, and we all know those are like gold. B has his ear pierced now! When did he get big enough to decide he wanted that? He likes baseball hats. He fell and whacked his head, and went to the ER. Ya know, while she wasn't talking to me to tell me anything was going on. I wonder if that was the night I had the bad feeling about everything. The feeling that something really bad had happened to someone I care about. (cue crying).
Mr.Fire has suddenly become unhappy in his marriage again. He keeps trying to get me to come back around. It won't happen, but mentally it is hard to be lonely and turn someone down. Honestly, I am really lonely. I am depressed. My anxiety is as bad as it has ever been. I have debated a doctor's appointment to get on medication, but I cannot afford to miss work, much less the copays. I am tired of trying to make ends meet.

I am tired. I am going to sleep now.
With Love Always


  1. Argh. I know you feel like you're barely keeping your head above water right now. Hang in there - it will get better. I promise! I'm so sorry to hear about B's ER visit! :( I know how much my heart wrenches if I hear post something bad happening to my daughter. I'm...glad? and T are friends on FB again - that's a start, right?? As far as R goes, I'm excited to see where this leads. It's awesome that you two get along so well after just barely meeting...and I love the fact that he's already involving you so much in his life (introducing you to his friends, inviting you to things he likes to do...etc)! I know after C that you need to take things slow. I agree with that wholeheartedly. But don't get so caught up in trying to take things slow that you can't enjoy "the ride" for what it is. :) <3 you!

  2. The shoe that I knew would fall, at least with R, it fell. He's polyamorous. Fine. Except...UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!Frustration. Still going to see him tomorrow night though, for trivia and maybe karaoke again.

  3. I'm glad that you and T are FB friends again. I think, hope, and pray thats a step in the right direction! And yay for getting to see pics again! Hugs Deb!