I can't do this anymore. I am so damn depressed, so hurting, and so scared. Every day is just another effort to push off a panic attack. There are bad habits from the past that are creeping back in. I don't dare ask my family for help. Mom just thinks I am lazy. I've never been good enough to her anyway.
The boyfriend doesn't know how to handle it. I fucking love him but I am so close to pushing him out just so that he cannot hurt me.
I've given to the point where I am empty. Empty and used up. I do have amazing friends who are trying, but I just don't let them fill me back up. I feel so hopeless and alone. I want my son back. I want to be good enough for him. I will never be.
The boyfriend says I am too hard on myself, that I need to cut me some slack. What does he know? It's either hard on me or let down by everyone else, and I would rather be the weak link.
Everclear Everything To Everyone Lyrics
You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day
You do what you do
You say what they say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be
Everything to everyone
Yeah you do it again
You always do it again
You say they taught you how to read and write
Yeah, they taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down
You do what you do
You say what they say
You always try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Spin around and fall down, do it again
Yeah, you stumble and you fall
I wonder if you will ever learn
Why won't you ever learn
Come on now, do that stupid dance for me
You do what they tell you to do
You say what they say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yes I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day
You do what you do
You say what they say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be
Everything to everyone
Yeah you do it again
You always do it again
You say they taught you how to read and write
Yeah, they taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down
You do what you do
You say what they say
You always try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah why don't you ever learn
Spin around and fall down, do it again
Yeah, you stumble and you fall
I wonder if you will ever learn
Why won't you ever learn
Come on now, do that stupid dance for me
You do what they tell you to do
You say what they say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
That's so me. How do I stop? I realized today that I abuse myself emotionally. I think less of me. I put myself down. I have to stop.
I quit. I am exhausted.
WLA
Me
Oh honey. I hope you're quitting the "abusing yourself" crap that you admitted to doing. That's really the whole heart of the matter, though. To take the chance of other people failing your expectations of them (low though they might be) is taking the chance of being hurt. You don't want to take the chance of other people hurting you when it's so much easier to blame the hurt on you. Unfortunately, we are made to rely on each other. We all are strong at some things and weak at others. No one is perfect, and yes...sometimes we spend too much time searching for other people that fill the holes we know we have. Trust is HARD. Learning to trust yourself is even harder. So if you can trust yourself (self-persecuting though it may be) then you already have the "skills" to trust other people. Peewee wants you to trust him - I feel it. You're working on it, I know. Please don't give up. I know Peewee loves you and thinks you're worth it. I know I love you and think you're worth more than you'll ever know. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI know that he wants this. I know deep down that he does. He loves me, even if hes not ready to admit it (again..?). I just realized today that while I was upset I was sitting here being angry and mean to myself because of it. Things that I learned in my past to do, but that I need to let go of. Here's to letting go!
ReplyDelete