(I have renamed this blog, based upon a line from this...um, thing that I wrote.) For those of you who dont follow me on twitter, I have been doing some thinking lately. This is your warning to close this window if TMI is not your thing...
Ok, so here goes. The bf and I have had some sexual complications as of late. While I have no issues 'enjoying(ahem)' our sex life, five of the last six...sessions he has not gotten as much from it as I do. (Read: He doesn't finish!) It is driving me nuts. I think I have it narrowed down to him mindfucking himself because he doesn't actively see me participating in birth control, as this issue only came up when I got the IUD. Nevertheless, I wrote about it, as writers are want to do when they have an issue.
Am I broken as a woman? Does sex determine my worth as one? Fertility? Grace? Beauty? I hope not. Of all of the things Chris and I have going for us, awesome sex doesn't seem to be one of them -- at least not yet. Fertility? I've voluntarily given that up for now. Beauty and grace? I will never posses those. I am only marginally a mother, not a wife a care taker or home maker.
Can my worth be measured in intelligence? I hope so, but looking out at the world that is an invalid yardstick. I should be skinny, glamorous, and dress wearing. Is it the new generation of women -- ass kicking, boot stomping, do first and ask permission later that I should be measuring against? I don't fit that either, not anymore.
I had an ex once tell me that if a man was cheating it was because the woman (his partner) wasn't 'giving it to him right'. Dos my history of cheating men mean I am doing something wrong, then, as a lover? A woman? A partner? Do I just have horrible taste in men? Couple this with the recent sexual dysfunction with the new guy and I question. Is it him? Me? Some combination of both? Does this lower my value as a woman in his eyes? It certainly does in mine.
Is being a woman measured in giving more than you take? Well, at least I fit there. Yet how fair is that - to expect me to give, him to take, and that's that? Even he would not be ok with those standards. Isn't being a man measured in the ability (desire?) to sacrifice for your family - so give and not take? That's as ridiculous a standard as any I am measuring myself against.
So where do I start measuring myself as a woman? Is it a journey or a mission? Does my giving birth change which yardstick I use? How about my inability to raise my child?
I don't know anymore, but this is certainly the least 'I am woman hear me roar' that I have ever felt, at a time when I want to be feeling it the most.
With Love Always