Tuesday, June 7


(I have renamed this blog, based upon a line from this...um, thing that I wrote.) For those of you who dont follow me on twitter, I have been doing some thinking lately. This is your warning to close this window if TMI is not your thing...

Ok, so here goes. The bf and I have had some sexual complications as of late. While I have no issues 'enjoying(ahem)' our sex life, five of the last six...sessions he has not gotten as much from it as I do. (Read: He doesn't finish!) It is driving me nuts. I think I have it narrowed down to him mindfucking himself  because he doesn't actively see me participating in birth control, as this issue only came up when I got the IUD. Nevertheless,  I wrote about it, as writers are want to do when they have an issue.

Am I broken as a woman? Does sex determine my worth as one? Fertility? Grace? Beauty? I hope not. Of all of the things Chris and I have going for us, awesome sex doesn't seem to be one of them -- at least not yet. Fertility? I've voluntarily given that up for now. Beauty and grace? I will never posses those. I am only marginally a mother, not a wife a care taker or home maker.
Can my worth be measured in intelligence? I hope so, but looking out at the world that is an invalid yardstick. I should be skinny, glamorous, and dress wearing. Is it the new generation of women -- ass kicking, boot stomping, do first and ask permission later that I should be measuring against? I don't fit that either, not anymore.
I had an ex once tell me that if a man was cheating it was because the woman (his partner) wasn't 'giving it to him right'. Dos my history of cheating men mean I am doing something wrong, then, as a lover? A woman? A partner? Do I just have horrible taste in men? Couple this with the recent sexual dysfunction with the new guy and I question. Is it him? Me? Some combination of both? Does this lower my value as a woman in his eyes? It certainly does in mine.
Is being a woman measured in giving more than you take? Well, at least I fit there. Yet how fair is that - to expect me to give, him to take, and that's that? Even he would not be ok with those standards. Isn't being a man measured in the ability (desire?) to sacrifice for your family - so give and not take? That's as ridiculous a standard as any I am measuring myself against.
So where do I start measuring myself as a woman? Is it a journey or a mission? Does my giving birth change which yardstick I use? How about my inability to raise my child?
I don't know anymore, but this is certainly the least 'I am woman hear me roar' that I have ever felt, at a time when I want to be feeling it the most.

With Love Always



  1. I'm guessing that it does have something to do with him not seeing you "participate" in birth control. IUDs are wonderful if the man can get past in his mind that just because he doesn't see it, doesn't mean it's not working. Honestly.....ummmm...he should be able to feel it with his fingers if he....dares. If that still doesn't help him, then maybe you should try with a condom for a bit to see if that puts his mind at ease. It's not like you'll need the condom, but if it helps him get past whatever is blocking his mind up, I say it's definitely worth it! I know that society in general has put a lot of importance on satisfying our partners sexually - in fact, if they're not completely satisfied, it usually means they start looking somewhere else. But that shouldn't make or break a relationship. I personally think that it only has the potential to ADD to one. That doesn't mean it's not important. But you shouldn't base your self-worth on whether Chris gets off every time or not. Yes....it is a bit....weird. I've been there. In my situation, it wasn't important enough to either of us to keep trying and we pretty much lost touch. But since it's important to both of you, it's definitely worth fighting for! Ask him about it. Talk about it. Try the condom idea. And for the record...you ARE beautiful, intelligent, and funny. And you ARE a wonderful woman and person, even though.... and BECAUSE....you decided to give B the best chance at a good life that you could give him....by NOT raising him. <3 you!

  2. Your comment brought tears to my eyes Monika. Thank you. I tried to discuss it with him last night but he is so hard on himself about it that all he would say is 'i am broken. I am 22 and I am broken'. Kinda broke my heart a little. We will work through this together, and I guess that's all we can do.