Sunday, May 15

Word Vomit

I've a lot to get out. I don't care to make it pretty or post-oriffic today. Thus, word vomit.

*I sent Tara THE LETTER a week ago No response, but I know it has made it there by now.
*There was a two year old running around the bakery where the boy and I had breakfast this morning. I both wanted to hug and cry over this child.
*Every day I realize a bit more how broken my heart is. I am working to allow myself to heal this time, instead of burying it down and declaring it never existing.
*Chris confuses me, but I think it is my insecurities really confusing me. He spends a day telling me he only likes me bc I spend money on him, because of my boobs, whatever then hugs me tightly and tells me he could really get used to having me in his life. That's as close to 'I love you" as he is going to get right now.
*I found out someone else E attempted to cheat on me with. When I asked him about it, he said that it 'wasn't all on me ya know'. He is worthless.
*I am acknowledging my real reasons for placing B. I am also admitting how they make me feel. This is scary.
*I took a quiz the other day to evaluate my people pleasing tenancies. The result? 'Your people pleasing syndrome is deeply ingrained and serious'. Oh. Well then.
*When I see that adoptive families are finalizing, I am deep down happy for them. Then I grieve just a bit for the birthfamilies. Adoption is such a cruel, lovely, beautiful world.
*Dating after placement -- what an odd world. I wish there was a class for HIM, to help him know what to expect. Heh, but I guess there is no normal.
*The boy didn't officially join the army. I was confused, I guess. He is at a point now where he doesn't know what he will do. Days like today lead me to believe he will not be joining the military as he does NOT want to leave and possibly lose me. He is speaking now of school. I hope so.
*I got my IUD yesterday. That was a roller coaster of emotions. I WANT my kids. I want them now. I know better. I hate putting that off. I should not have them right now. :(

I guess that's it for now.

With Love Always

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