I am having a moment, right now, where I just believe.
I am crying and shaking. I am terrified and amazed. I fake ambivalence. I've closed my eyes and said it, deep breath in, deep breath out. You will marry me.
I do not have these moments with you around. You are young yet and I know you cannot fathom forever. I am scared of it. There is a tenderness in your eyes -- an unquestioning grace -- that I know is fragile.
Yet I know you will marry me. It's in the way you touch me, hold me just a little tighter when anyone mentions pregnancy, forever, and wedding. It's there in the way we fit. Walks on the beach, nights just questioning. You accept my heartaches, wrap your gentle hands around my chin and kiss me. Tenderly, you work your way in. Please, oh dear lord please, let me be strong.
You say 'when', not 'if'. I only 'if'. I have been down this road before. Beauty begets breaking me. This is simply amazing. That means it will be my destruction. I flirt with this. Safety or the thrill of the dream?
I have only ever made bad decisions in love. I draw lines, create rules and watch them slip away. I struggle to believe in me in order to believe in us.
I hide from my emotions. I am writing this out while surfing five websites, hunting things like 'delicious pen' because that is what I should be writing this with. I am throwing my phone with frustration, angry that I will never let you read this. Vulnerable is not a place I want to be. Reach down inside me and pull it out anyway.
I am pissed at you for not scaring me away yet, for not leaving me hurting. Let me dissolve into you. It is so much easier, less scary, when I can be anyone but me. Do not stand up for my right to be me. Do not love me. I am broken. I am scared. I am ugly. It's the most beautiful disaster you will ever get to be a part of.
Yet still I close my eyes, remember my head on your shoulder, dancing in the shower and your sigh, sweet and honest, as you said 'I could get used to this'. So will I baby, so will I.
With Love Always