Thursday, May 19

I have realized

Disclaimer: I do not 'blame' E for B's adoption. There is no blame. It is a decision that we made together, even before B existed. We agreed that any children that we could not care for would be placed, not terminated. Italics are my more logical, more snarky comments. 

I am therapizing myself. I am trying to understand and come to grips with my feelings. It is close to destroying my relationship with C, but it needs to be done (the therapizing, not the relationship destroying). I need to allow myself to grieve. In this, I have found anger. I am angrier than I can ever express with E. I am angry that he 'let' me place B. I wish he had stepped up and been the dad that B would have deserved. I am angry that he did not fight with my determination to place.
Now I know he thought placing was right too. I know he did what he thought was best for B. I just wish he had through otherwise. I am pissed at him for not at least encouraging me to consider parenting. I never could have parented properly with him in the picture. He thought he was helping me to 'live my dream'. (I have known my whole life that I would have a child for someone else at some point.) I have to forgive him. He did this as much out of love as I did.
My decision was based partially on the fact that he was unstable as a partner. He was in and out of work. He was (is) a liar, a thief, a cheat. B deserved more. I would have given my life for that child. I just wish E would have given up stupidity. I guess he may have, I never asked him to. He had no reason to. This was not 'our' baby, just a child I was carrying for someone else. Hey LDS friends -- I even had the dreaded 'vessel' curse!
Just a piece of us that I 'gave away', that we can never get back. I wonder how much that affects him. I wonder how much that has encouraged him to be a failure in every classical sense. Maybe I'm just doing what I can to make his stupidity my fault. 
I was nowhere near ready to raise a child. I though this was my chance at a dream. I just grieve that I may have given it a shot had E been someone else. Someone less abusive. Someone ready. I suppose I should grieve, too, that I would have tried had I been someone different. Someone stronger.
I will forever grieve for this, I believe. The next time I hear someone say 'I would give my first born for...' I  might be strong enough to look at them and tell them how horrible it is to trade* your first born.

With Love Always,

*Trade, in this case, I seem to have traded for a chance for me to continue being stupid and not have a child suffer the consequences.

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