It all just hit me. Sitting here, perusing other birthmom blogs when I should be sleeping, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I will not take my son from his family. I need to find closure in this adoption. I need them to finalize. Not a want. A need. So that I may grieve. That I can give up my hope of one day being B's mom (again?), and instead focus on helping his family to work, whatever that means for them now.
This does not mean I do not love him with every fiber of my being. It does not mean I do not long for him to be in the room beside me sleeping right now. It's an almost instinctual longing, really. It means I know that the decision I made was the right one and any going back on that now would be traumatic to him. He does not need any more trauma right now.
I must realize that E did the same thing to me that T did to H. I would be a hypocrite to take B from one potentially abusive situation and put him in another -- because, lets face it, I could not deny E access to his son.
This feels like giving up. This feels so much like I am letting my B down. Why did I not pick one of those stupid perfect stupid families with all of the money and the travel pictures and the shiny put together portfolios? Why did I not pick a couple that was screened through an agency?
Let's face it. It is hard to say no when you have the one thing someone has wanted their whole life. All of the stupid shiny portfolios were of people so far away. H & T were 3 miles away, if that. I was so adoption dumb, so naive, so believing. I thought the 'now' was permanent. In the years since B's birth, T has talked of moving back to Florida. I am scared that she is gonna run now. With my B.
What have I done? One of my hates in the adoption world is that, many times, women are not told that they CAN parent. There are not enough resources presented to these women that could help them, allow them to parent. I can blame no one but myself for that, in my case. I did not go through an agency. Had I, there is a good chance I would have my child, who would not be named B, here with me.
I believe in adoption. I believe in the good it does. I just ... I wonder 'what if'. I know there is some need for change. First, though, I have to rally T & H to break my heart, so that it may heal.
With Love Always