I have a hard, hard time admitting what I am about to say. I will never tell B. I only admit it here because it is a part of MY pregnancy story. With the small hope I have that some distraught pregnant woman may read this blog, not feel so alone, and maybe chose adoption over abortion, I feel like I have to be honest.
My pregnancy was not all roses.
The day of my scheduled first OB visit w T, I almost committed suicide. I thought it would be easier on me (and in my hysterical at that point mind B) if we both just died and got this whole thing over with. E knew this. E did what he could to stop me. He hugged me, told me he loved me, held my hand and kissed me. Then he did something I will never understand -- he let me leave so I could make my own decision. All that stopped me was the lack of a guarantee that my plan would work.
I am glad I did not. I wouldn't know B if I had. I would not be as in love with him as I am now had I jumped from that bridge.
My other pregnancy secret? Until I felt B move inside me, I tried to induce a miscarriage. This I have only admitted to one other person, E. Granted, I did not do much to try, but when I tried I hoped. I hoped that my beautiful, amazing son would pass from me so that I did not have to share him with anyone else. I am completely opposed to abortion for me, but somehow this was ok. I am SO thankful that I was not successful. I can not even imagine how low I must have been to be that selfish and scared.
I am not an adoption superstar, a birthmom who has not felt pain. I am ashamed of some of my journey, but I need to admit it all the same. Be gentle with your criticism to this one, please. Moreso, if anyone out there is reading this and is in the place I was (mentally) when I made those decisions, feel free to contact me. I might not be much help, but I am here to listen. Adoption is not all roses.
With Love Always
Me
Your courage in sharing this is just amazing. I think that we ALL have darkness like this in our past, to some extent or other, whether related to pregnancy/adoption or something else. And none of us like to admit it. I admire you very much for doing it.
ReplyDeleteAnd no matter what happened during that time or any other, I will always believe you are an adoption superstar. Deal with it. :) <3
And, I think it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway: I am VERY glad that you were unsuccessful in both of those endeavors.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Amber. Everyone has a darkness; admitting it is the hard part. When I was 17, I tried to commit suicide and spent three days in a mental ward at a local hospital. I was released on my 18th birthday. Obviously it's not something I'm proud of, but you know what? Moments like that are the moments that make you YOU. They make you unique and they shape your life - for the good and the bad. So I'm very honored to read about your moments, and like Amber I am glad you were unsuccessful on all counts. The world needs more people like you and B in it.
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There are not enough words to express how glad I am that B made it into this world happy and healthy. I don't think there will ever be. Thank you ladies!
ReplyDeleteIm proud of you for talking well writing about this! You are an even stronger person for admitting it! I know your not a prayer what have you.. But I just Thanked God that you were not successful with either un rose like attempts!Your pain is real and so powerful! You have helped me the past months more than you will ever know! I truly believe that all birth mom's journey to adoption have bumps and curves. Thank your for sharing your journey! loves lots!<3
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