I have many awesome friends in the adoption world. Many. I have been talking to one tonight about Birthmom day, moving and lots in between. She has made me think that maybe I need to be the one to work on my relationship with T.
Sometimes, I forget that neither of us are experts on this adoption journey. T has been a mom in open adoption exactly as long as I have been a birthmom in one. In many instances, I have more adoption support than she does. I am as scared as she is, and she is probably as scared as I am. She may feel as much guilt for 'taking' my(sic) Blake as I do for not being able to raise him. She loves him in ways I will never know, and I love him in ways she will never experience. That is ok.
We have become distant lately. I believe it is because 5 kids are a lot, and twins are a handful anyway, much less micropremies. Because I get most of my picture updates from facebook, I know her lack of pictures is not anything to do with me but an issue she is having all together. I am always anxious for her call. I wonder, though, could she be anxious for mine? I have never thought of it that way before. She has never seemed annoyed or too busy for my call, even when things are hectic. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I am truly family in her eyes.
It has been far too long since I called. Last time, it was to discuss her issues with Erik, and that I had no bad feelings toward her and H either way. I wonder if she knows that I long for pictures? I have never once told her that I do. I cannot expect her to be psychic. I must remember that. Somehow, this revelation make me want to cry.
With Love Always