Tuesday, January 25

On Moving, and breaking my heart

Sorry for the absence. I have a lot going on in my brain right now. I think I left off with our decision to move to Seattle, so that is where I will pick up. 
While I was pregnant Mom begged me to move out here and raise B. She said we would find a way to make it work. I knew and believed better. I know that it broke her heart when I placed him. 
Shortly after his birth, and in a place of emotional exhaustion for Erik and I, Mom again asked us to move out here. We were financially unstable, emotionally broken, and ready for a change. Having T and B live just around the corner meant we could run into them at any time. While I did love that, it was not helping to cement T & H's place as B's parents in my heart. Whenever I missed B, I could just run to him. I knew that something had to change. 
We decided that a move to Seattle would be that change. It was also a way to get away from being a birthmom, when I was not ready to come out of that closet. Yes, we were actually running from our problems. I think it scared H & T to the core when we told them we were moving. I know they were afraid I was going to take B and run, leaving them without the son they had begun to bond with. As much as I longed to, I had no intentions of doing that. He was THEIR son. We went to the courthouse and got what paperwork we could straight, they were legally his guardians. That day? Yeah, it hurt. As much as it hurt, it was amazing to make someone else parents. 
I have few memories between then and getting on the plane to leave for Seattle. I had no idea the desperate loneliness I could and would feel for my (our) son. I just knew I had to get away, to let him be a part of his new family and not have them looking over their shoulder, afraid of what I could and would do. I later found out that they were not afraid of me changing my mind, but of Erik changing his. Funny, now, to think about. 

With Love Always,

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