Merry end of the year. I’ve survived another season of the
BAD months, and that is something to celebrate. This year they were
particularly bad. I guess that’s why I have avoided writing – because this
makes it real, ya know?
It starts in September. There was a 5th birthday,
to which I sent no present. I didn’t even know where to begin. How do you? I’ve
said before that it is like putting my heart in a box and mailing it away to
send presents, and that is just as true now. I don’t know what he is in to. I
don’t know what he already has. I just don’t know.
Halloween. There was none of that in my life. We turned off
the porch light, stayed in and pretended it was just another day. I could not
handle it, knowing my son was out doing his thing and I didn’t/wouldn’t even
get a picture. It was too much.
Thanksgiving? I boycotted it this year as much as I could.
We went to the casino, blew money we didn’t have to blow, and then had a bar
style Thanksgiving dinner. It was nice to people watch, especially in the area
that this bar is in. I was thankful to have The One by my side while my heart
ached.
Then came December 14th. What is special about
that day, you ask? It was the day 26 people were killed inside an elementary
school on the east coast. This hit hard for me. The beginning reports were that
the kids involved were all 5-6, which ended up being close to true. Cue anxiety,
as there is a 5 year old on the east coast that owns my heart. Even now,
writing about it is hard. There was some good in it, though. I finally found
the courage to message T on the bookface and ask her to hug Monkey for me. She
messaged me back (!!) and we discussed some things. According to her, she was
never mad at me. Ok. We can go with that. After all, I have everything to lose,
so I have to. I found out that the EX’s
new kid looks a lot like Monkey. I’m not sure why, but that was a major kick in
the gut. In the end, she hugged Monkey for me and stopped responding to my
messages.
Cut to Dec 16 – The One came home from a weekend with
Sugarbutt. We had an argument that was partially fueled by my emotional state
(see Dec 14) and partially fueled by frustration/stress. The One had spent
money (that I desperately needed for gas) on something he said he wouldn’t and
I just was at my wits end. I am of the opinion that his medication is not managing
his illness well, and he is certainly spiraling out of his own control. Whatever
it is, he left that night. Exactly what I needed in the midst of an emotional
weekend and lead up to Christmas. I’m not sure what to say of our status right
now, other that we are hoping that this space will allow us both to examine
what we really want.
Then there’s Christmas. Oh Christmas. I’d rather just ignore
the whole damn day. This year, I got to miss two little boys. Sugarbutt had a
whole smorgasbord of presents to open from me that were likely not marked as
being from me. That happens when you are suddenly no longer in the picture. Monkey
got nothing from me, again a moment of self-preservation. No pictures, no phone
calls, no texts. There was nothing from his family to me.
Today, I am recovering from the BAD months, heartbroken and
hopeful. I don’t know what the new year will bring in so many ways. All I know
is that things will be different.
With Love Always
ME
I hope that things in this new year start to look better for you. Thinking of you, here if you need me.
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You survived because you are a survivor. Love and hugs!
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