Friday, November 30


I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, I fear. I don’t know, maybe I haven’t. There are so many things I don’t know lately.
I don’t know why I even keep this space, there is never anything new and I feel like an imposter.
I don’t know why I bother to hope. It’s futile. It hurts.
Last night was the worst night I have had in a long time – and this morning I feel as unsupported as ever.


Maybe I am bipolar. The doc is trying to figure out what her picture of me is. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just fucked up and no one can or will help.
I’m putting on weight in a way that even I don’t understand. I feel so fat and ugly and unwanted.

Depression is eating me alive – or maybe it’s consuming me dead. Take your pick.

I’m not me anymore. I am a monster.


  1. I sure hope you are able to figure out a way to cope. We will never be whole, as part of our hearts are missing.

    But I know with me, I have to figure our a way to just get through the day some days because the grief is so completely consuming.

    Please know there is an army of us our here in blog land who understand greif, pain, depression and hopelessness. Reach out to one of us if you feel like there is no one who understands.

    We are a sad club. But there are many members.


  2. At times we all feel like we are falling down that rabbit hole. Keep your chin up, and let people know if you need to talk. Sometimes just getting things out of your own head releases so much frustration.

    Thinking of you. xoxo