The Twitter is my inspiration for many a thing. Today, we got to talking about domestic infant adoption vs. foster care vs. foster adoption. As my opinion is too many words for Twitter to appreciate, I will respond here.
[And before I get started, this is my obligatory statement that this is my opinion, respect it as such. Feeling/acting differently does not change my respect or love for any person, just as long as you aren’t a douche.]
Adoption is a ridiculous, sticky, hard world. In the beginning, there is usually the grieving over not being able to create children at will, the fertility issues, grief over your body being somehow ‘defective’. The hard choices wrapped up in that are too big for me to quantify, qualify or any other thing. They suck.
Once reproduction attempts are ceased (or at least adoption is looked to) there are even more hard choices. Domestic infant, foster adopt, international infant, international child, the list goes on and on and probably contains options I’ve never even thought of. I’ve heard it said many, many times that someone who wants to be a parent but is fertility challenged should ‘just’ do any one of these options. I’m not sure why anyone thinks it is just that simple.
‘Just’ foster : we all know how hard foster care can be, between the often temporary ‘parenthood’ that comes from it, to the fact that some of these children require a special kind of support, parenting, love. Yes, fostering can be wholly rewarding, amazing, awesome. Heck, we all know I want to foster some day. I just do not believe it is the ‘just’ answer some people are looking for.
‘Just’ foster adopt: See above, about children and how hard it can be. Yes, this comes with more permanency, but sometimes it requires a little more ‘giving up (per se)’ of what your dreams of a family were.
‘Just’ domestic infant adopt: Ok, I don’t even feel like explaining how not a ‘just’ process this is. There’s homestudies (as there are in foster situations), finances, approvals in may ways. Then there’s waiting. There are failed placements (broken, incomplete, whatever you want to call them). There’s the open-ness issue, the fear, the list is long.
‘Just’ international infant adopt: Waiting, Finances. Lists. Approvals. Government issues. Politics. Not easy either. Plus, infant adoption internationally seems to be almost impossible due to the length of waits. By the time your baby comes home, sometimes a year or 2 have past.
‘Just’ international child adopt: See above, plus now your child probably has spent years being raised with other customs/languages/foods. While I believe children are adaptable, hugely, it must be a rocky road at first. Scary for the kids too.
I haven’t listed all difficulties with any one of these things, but for now, can we please stop asking people why they don’t ‘just’ adopt/foster?
With Love Always