Mad As Hell

Mad as Hell

I don’t know where this blog is going. I have been phased out of my adoption, so there is not much news there. I will continue to write my feelings on adoption related stuff, but where does that leave us, my dear friends?

Marginally A Mother fits a lot of places in my life, I guess. I am marginally a mother to Sugarbutt. I am marginally a mother to Monkey. I am marginalized, left out of the context of the story, an afterthought. For that, I am mad as hell. In Sugarbutt’s case, The One is also marginalized. He sees Baby Mama almost daily, yet has to find out things in Sugarbutt’s life 3^rd hand. Not cool.

Baby Mama’s boyfriend may be headed for jail, which means she will be back to expecting The One to drop everything when she has a problem. One of us (two of us, really) won’t stand for that. Just the thought makes me mad as hell. I am not playing ping pong. I am not going to watch her play power games, trying to show me that she can have him running to her at the drop of a hat. I’m fairly certain The One would rather tell her to find someone else to handle her problems anyway.

I’ve a friend from way back (Nikki, for those who’ve followed along) whose mom wants to meet up with me soon. I don’t know that right now is the right time; I am working thought a lot of emotional muck. I don’t know if I can deal with the pain of the past, the stories we will inevitably talk about. My distrust for my own mother is at an all-time high, I know this meet up would only spur anger. I want to see her, though, to see what her life has become and where she is now.

I hate not being able to be a part of SB’s life. Hate it. I have no say so, no control, no anything. I’m fairly certain that I will never be one of his ‘parents’, no matter what. I know, I am still new to his life. I am still ‘proving myself’, as it were. I have to make up for ‘not loving my son enough to raise him’ in order to be worthy of any status with SB, I guess. Except – NO! My ‘mothering’ of SB is being held back by damn near everyone with a say so. The One’s mom won’t let me. Parenting plan being as it is, even if The One and I do get a place of our own, I won’t get my fair chance. Mad as hell is an understatement.

Seems odd to be pushing for a ring on my finger already, but there is a certain assumption that comes with it (and without it). With that ring, it is assumed that I plan to be in SB’s life for the rest of mine; without it the assumption is that I am not sure, that this is just a practice. With that ring, he is our son too, not just hers. I don’t know that legally it changes anything, but it will, in my mind, give me the right to tell Baby Mama that I am there to stay and that she better get damn well used to me and me standing up for my son.

I am mad as hell. Right now, my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do for either of my boys except love them deeply and hope that their mother’s have some clue what treasures they have. I don’t think they do, and that has me mad as hell.

With Love Always

Me