Friday, March 9

Mad As Hell

Mad as Hell

I don’t know where this blog is going. I have been phased out of my adoption, so there is not much news there. I will continue to write my feelings on adoption related stuff, but where does that leave us, my dear friends?
Marginally A Mother fits a lot of places in my life, I guess. I am marginally a mother to Sugarbutt. I am marginally a mother to Monkey. I am marginalized, left out of the context of the story, an afterthought. For that, I am mad as hell. In Sugarbutt’s case, The One is also marginalized. He sees Baby Mama almost daily, yet has to find out things in Sugarbutt’s life 3rd hand. Not cool.
Baby Mama’s boyfriend may be headed for jail, which means she will be back to expecting The One to drop everything when she has a problem. One of us (two of us, really) won’t stand for that. Just the thought makes me mad as hell. I am not playing ping pong. I am not going to watch her play power games, trying to show me that she can have him running to her at the drop of a hat. I’m fairly certain The One would rather tell her to find someone else to handle her problems anyway.
I’ve a friend from way back (Nikki, for those who’ve followed along) whose mom wants to meet up with me soon. I don’t know that right now is the right time; I am working thought a lot of emotional muck. I don’t know if I can deal with the pain of the past, the stories we will inevitably talk about. My distrust for my own mother is at an all-time high, I know this meet up would only spur anger. I want to see her, though, to see what her life has become and where she is now.
I hate not being able to be a part of SB’s life. Hate it. I have no say so, no control, no anything. I’m fairly certain that I will never be one of his ‘parents’, no matter what. I know, I am still new to his life. I am still ‘proving myself’, as it were. I have to make up for ‘not loving my son enough to raise him’ in order to be worthy of any status with SB, I guess. Except – NO! My ‘mothering’ of SB is being held back by damn near everyone with a say so. The One’s mom won’t let me. Parenting plan being as it is, even if The One and I do get a place of our own, I won’t get my fair chance. Mad as hell is an understatement.
Seems odd to be pushing for a ring on my finger already, but there is a certain assumption that comes with it (and without it). With that ring, it is assumed that I plan to be in SB’s life for the rest of mine; without it the assumption is that I am not sure, that this is just a practice. With that ring, he is our son too, not just hers. I don’t know that legally it changes anything, but it will, in my mind, give me the right to tell Baby Mama that I am there to stay and that she better get damn well used to me and me standing up for my son.
I am mad as hell. Right now, my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do for either of my boys except love them deeply and hope that their mother’s have some clue what treasures they have. I don’t think they do, and that has me mad as hell.

With Love Always

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