Thursday, October 27

Victim to Victor

This is a post I have submitted to The BAND! but thought I would also post it here, because I really am proud of it.

I swore this word would never apply to me, to any relationship I was in.
It is the real reason I placed my son for adoption. I knew the ex was abusive to me, that I did not want my child growing up in this. I don’t know how I let it get to the level it did. I really don’t. The world would have me believed that I did not let it get there, that he did. I could have (should have) left so many times, and I tried. He was manipulative, though. He convinced me I needed him. He was the only other person who understood the pain of placing a child. As time went on, he used the ‘do you want to have wasted x amount of time’ line. He loved me. He just did not know how to love.
Look at me. Even now I am making excuses for him. I want to believe I was not good/smart/pretty/whatever enough, so that it was not him at fault.
Even a year after he has gone, his actions still scream in my life. The new guy, The One, gets upset and I wait for, expect the insults. I shut down, knowing that the next thing he says will be something to hurt me. Except it is not; it never is. I start insulting myself so that his words do not scream. It’s easier to make myself less-than, to not let him have that power over me.
The ex recently told me that he and his new girlfriend are expecting. The way he did it, though, shows me the power he still wants to have over me. There was no ‘I should tell you’ or ‘Maybe you should sit down’; instead he asked me if I was pregnant because ‘in your pictures you look big.’ Heh. An insult as a way to break what was already going to be painful (to me) news. Surprise.
The abuse extends beyond even me. It is denying his first born the very presence of bio-dad in his life. Ex has lived back near his ‘son’ for 8 months now and not once taken the time to visit. He does it as a way to have power over me – he knows it hurts me still. He does not have much of my heart left, but the little bit he does he is destroying on purpose. I hope this new baby wins him father of the year.
I just have to keep him from bleeding into now. I have to realize that I do deserve more, that I have found more. The new guy, he loves me so damn much. He treasures me. He will help me erase the scars, but it will not be easy. How do I forget all of the pain in the past? How do I change from the victim to the victor?

With Love Always,

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