Wednesday, March 30

Whiny Fertile

Those of you who are involved in my day to day life know I want kids and I want them badly. I want them now. This was a big sticking point with the ex. He wanted them later, at some abstract date. I already had names for these kids. I went off of my 3 year effective birth control, switched to pills in preparation for THE DAY when we would start making our family.
Then we broke up. It was for the better, really. I kinda floated through life for a few months, flirting with relationships with all the wrong people, toying with the idea of getting back with the ex. Now that there is a new boyfriend, though, it is time to let that idea go. With that idea goes the three kids. I know that sounds dramatic, but I had already formed them in my head. They had my nose, his eyes, my zest for life. Two boys and a girl. Dylan Jacob, Abagail Elizabeth and Maddox Christopher. Gone, not that they ever existed to begin with.
Today I went back to begin the road to semi-permanent birth control, in the same room that I stopped it in so few months ago.  Two days before my 25th birthday. I smiled and answered all of the questions. I laughed when I was supposed to. Then I cried in the parking lot. This feels like giving up. In a month (week?) where I have been denied any access to my only son, to let go of the idea of my babies, at least for now, stings. There will be other chances. I know this.
The ex has decided he wants kids and he wants them now. I don't know if this is some ploy to get me back or what, but it won't work. He has a long way to go before he is ready to be anyone's father. I just need to grieve for a bit the ending of my fairy tale.

With Love Always
(Especially to B, A, D, and M)


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