I have been asked to write a post on how my adoption became closed, what that means, and where I will go from here. I can't promise this will be the most sensible post nor can I promise that it will not be biased.
How'd I get here? Well, I really don't know. My adoption was open, as open as could be. I bragged about it, I laughed about it, I loved it. Then, it wasn't. I guess it is all from a misunderstanding. Remember when H & T were going to get divorced and how scared I was? How I openly debated (here at least) what would be best for B an where he should live, what should and would happen to him? I don't think she read it here, but T got the impression that I was moving back to Va to 'take B back'. Instantly she shut me out. I do not blame her for protecting her family, but she should definatley know me better by now. She and I discussed this a bit, and I guess I offended her more by telling her that I just wanted what was best for Blake. She seems to think what is best for him is none of my concern.
What does closed mean? I really do not know. I will be sending cards, maybe letters. Maybe I will just hold onto the letters in case she ever comes back around. I do not trust her right now. I do not know how to trust her right now. She thinks I am a threat to her family. I friggin gave her my son the moment he was born and she thinks I am a threat. Sorry, I needed to get that out. I am hopeful that somehow I do get updates, but I don't think that I will. I am hopeful. I should not be any longer.
I guess there really is no where for me to go from here. I told T that I will be here if she ever changes her mind. I feel so powerless but I think that is all I can do. My place in the adoption world (online anyway) might start to look a bit more gloomy. I will be happy for all of you whose adoptions are going as planned, but I may also have to take a step back for a little while. Even in the past few days I have found it harder to read adoption blogs.
Oh, and E. E has decided he wants to be a part of B's life. He says he is reading books for birthdads, but I don't even know that those books exist.
With Love Always