Monday, February 21

Love is Unconditional, Even When I Don't Like What You've Done

I am still shocked/scared/hurt/reeling from the news. I never wanted Blake to have a broken home. This post might seem a little less put together than most, forgive me, but I have a lot to get out.
T called me yesterday morning, shortly after I found out about the divorce on FB. She was honest, soulful and hurting. In short, she has been living a lie for 11 years. I will not justify what she has done, there is no justification. She says she was never 'in love' with H, but she married him because she knew he would be a good husband and provider. Yes, this is wrong. I hurt that she ever felt like she would need a provider, that she felt she could not do it on her own. I hurt because she married for those reasons.
I hurt for H. He is an AMAZING father. He loves his children with everything he is. He works his butt off to keep those kids happy, and now he is losing them. He will still be in their lives, but mom will have primary custody. H is heartbroken. He and T were 'high school sweethearts'. He has put his whole adult life into this relationship.
T's family, for the most part, has turned their backs on her. She has lost many friends and respect through this whole ordeal. I understand why people feel the way they do. Heck, I feel lied to, betrayed,   cheated, and disgusted with all of it. I am pissed. Suddenly, T will be the single mother to 5 children. She has no idea how it will work. There will be child support, of course, but financially she will be strapped. If I had wanted this for my son, I could have raised him broke and in a single parent house.
The older two kids (adopted from foster care) are now going through their SECOND divorce. That is so unfair. When their bio dad and mom divorced, dad never came back around. I am thankful beyond words that H will not be a disappearing daddy. This just is not fair.
I want a chance to go back and do it all over again. I love T. I will always love her, as will I H. I cannot and will not turn my back on either of them. They are family, as deeply as if blood connected us. I will be here for T no matter what, no matter how much I hate what she has done. I just wish she had been honest with me from the get go. Shortly before I became pregnant, her and H and a fight and she left him. I knew about this, but I figured it was like most fights people had, she needed a chance to get her head back on her shoulders and she came home. I know married couples argue. I was not expecting perfection. In reality, she went back because of a threat H made against himself. WHY did no one tell me this, before I handed my son off to them?! I guess you live and you learn, right?
So many of my dreams for B have gone up in smoke, instantly. He will probably have a childhood much like mine -- broke and stressed. Mom will be working, dad will not be around every day. I feel like all of my heartache, placated by knowing I had done the right thing, has come to naught. B may actually have been better off had I not placed him (at least with them) since he would be an only child and all of a single parent's resources would be going into a single child, not 5.
This. Sucks.
My love is unconditional, even when I don't like what you've done. That is part of being a parent. I just never thought I would have to use that phrase to describe my sons mother. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this with less anger?

With Love Always


  1. I think what is most important is you found two parents that love B. You must feel mislead and lied to. I feel personally that you being there and still loving T will help with your anger. T may start to need you more that you or her realize at this time. I could be crazy.. but it could end up that way. B and his siblings may be strapped for resources now.. but B has the love of T,H and you! That is far far more than most children can say! <3

  2. I have a feeling I will be a big part of their lives now. she needs a friend, and a hand I am sure. I hope being around her helps with the anger, but I am afraid to trust her again.

  3. My daughter's parents divorced. In the end, it was a good thing for all. It sucked. And I have guilt. A lot of which I haven't discussed in public. But it's there.

    But I just wanted to say that I understand.

  4. Thank you. Sometimes, it feels like no one else gets it. I am glad to know I am not all alone.

  5. I had to deal with this too and it was hard. It bought up so many different emotions. Your not alone Deb!

  6. Coley, you are amazing. I am so glad to know you - hope you dont mind me bugging you when I need advice!

  7. Well you know I've never had to deal with this. I can't say I want to just so I understand what you're going through better. But I'm here for you regardless. If you need to vent, or need a shoulder to cry on, or just to chat about something else to distract you for a while, I'll be there. Call, text, or email anytime. As far as the dealing with the whole situation with less anger, I think it will come eventually. You need to be angry right now...and you should be. There's nothing wrong with being angry. You love T & H unconditionally even while you're angry. That's okay. It's necessary. You're grieving the what-ifs and the hurt. Anger is a part of that. But you will come out stronger in the end...and your relationship with T & H will survive. B knows he's loved and will continue to know he's loved. That's the most important thing!