Sunday, January 16

Back to work, for better and worse

When B was born, I had two weeks of vacation. I had no maternity leave and could not afford to stay home and not get paid. My emotions could not have handled that anyway. I remember bits of that two weeks. Being afraid to move for fear my stitches would rip. Begging E to get pregnant again, immediately. Cabbage boobs. Boobs in the sink, resting in ice water. Visits from friends. I don't remember tears, but I think that is because I have shut them out.
I hated my body. First, it allowed me to become pregnant with a son I could not raise. Then it fell in love with this amazing boy. My traitor body did all of the things it would have needed to do to support B. And now it was empty.
I've heard it said that mothers (and fathers really) whom have gone through miscarriages are Mothers (fathers) without babies. Their bodies still know what to do, their hormones still act like those of a mother with a child toddling around. I know being a birthmom is different, I do not even come close to the grief that miscarriage parents must feel, but to a certain extent that is what I went (and still go) through. Amazing what a maternal instinct does.
Two weeks after B's birth, back to work I went. All of my coworkers knew I had placed. None of my customers did. Every day I got questioned how he was doing, when was I bringing him by for everyone to see. I should mention that I worked in a male dominated industry, in a small town in the south. I was afraid of the reactions I would get. I had a co-worker tell me that if I loved B I never would have 'gotten rid' of him. Another insited on throwing me a baby shower while I was pregnant. I finally convinced him not to.
In the end, there was one customer that I told. Uncle G. Not really my uncle, but an amazing soul that I still adore. His reaction almost made me cry. He said his brother and sister in law had been trying to adopt, he wished I would have told him. It was said with love, not discouragement. It amazed me.
Going back to work was awesome for me, it got me out of the house and gave me something to think about other than how much it all hurt. It also convinced me that I could not keep going on like nothing had changed. In my heart everything had.
I was driving home from work one day, same as every day. I've mentioned that T & company lived about 3 miles away. On this particular day, I happened to see T driving down one of the main roads in town. I smiled and waved, heart happy yet stung. I pulled into my driveway and started to unlock the door, when lo and behold, into my driveway pulled T. Yet another reminder that we are in this together. She said she knew that I would want to see him, and couldn't just go home without stopping by. I am truly in awe of the goodness in this woman's heart.

I love her. This was about the time E and I decided to move to Seattle. Neither of us could admit it at the time, but having B so close was just torture. We pretended it was a financial decision. Our hearts just could not take it anymore. 

With Love Always

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