Monday, August 13


Evening Ya’ll!
Let me start this post with an apology – to everyone. I have been less than supportive, less than a friend to my friends lately. I have missed birthdays, skipped get togethers and avoided phone calls. I have been wrapped up in me. I may be for the next, oh, 5 months, since the BAD months are coming. Birthmom friends can identify here – September is Monkey’s bday (and starting Kindergarten), October is Halloween, November is Thanksgiving and Sugar Butt’s birthday then the one that takes them all, Christmas. All kid centered, all a reminder of what I am missing out on. So let me apologize now, for I know I will not be able to during the BAD months.

I have fallen asleep several nights this past week writing this post in my head. Gut instinct. The powerful thing it is.
Anyone whom has met me in real life (wahoo!) knows that I am the kind of person whom you either hit it off with or, well, don’t. I carry around that energy as protection. I trust you from the start or I never will. Usually my instincts are right about these kinds of things. I will make little to no effort to sustain a friendship with someone whom friendship is work, I will not ‘force’ chemistry.
That said, I did not hit it off with H & T. I did love them, instantly, for their interest in my baby (for he was still mine then, 100%). I struggled to be their friend, not just their ‘carrier’. To be fair, we did hang out some. We laughed, yes. I made them dinner (only now do I see how backwards this was), encouraged them on their foster journey. There was just never an ease of conversation that comes when you have the same sort of energy that I do.
I shrugged it off. I was looking for a mother for my son, not a best friend. I figured we could develop a friendship, fall in as family over our mutual love for this little soul. H and I have always had a sort of awkward relationship, I took it for him being Useless’ friend. I am especially awkward around men that I do not click with, so this never really shocked me.
At the time, I was incredibly unaware of the demand for a white, male baby in this country. My son could have had any of 1000 lives, all different, all loving. Had I known this at the time, I may have let that uneasy feeling rule the placement. I didn’t. I was [blissfully] unaware. I did not see my child as a commodity. Surely there was no one else in the world who wanted a child from as damaged  a beginning as Monkey had, right?
Now I know better. Now I know I should have trusted my gut. Now I know why T raged when someone accused them of trading their vehicle for a baby when they let us borrow it. We were disposable. We were not people who needed transportation help, but a means to an end. Maybe they didn’t see it that way. Maybe I have it all wrong. I hope so. I just know that this is what my gut was feeling – a sense of wrongness that is now reality.

With Love Always


  1. I don't know what I did but I was most of the way through a comment and I bumped something, and it disappeared. Ack!!!

    Give yourself a break on trusting your gut. My gut has been right about people (and situations too) more times than I care to count and I have trouble trusting it sometimes too.

    As far as your apology goes, don't worry about it. I've missed you but I understand your need for space as you figure out your place in this life. I hope you know that you can always contact me if you just need to vent or if you need a distraction.

    Now about this last part of your post. I just have one question. If T & H wanted to "take your baby and run," why the H*LL haven't they finalized??? No matter what you've told them (and I know from a bmom's point of view that what you've said is true), they HAVE to know that you could LEGALLY and without them having one iota of say in the matter, come and take your child from them. It just doesn't make sense to me that they wouldn't finalize if they wanted to have every legal right to not have you in his life. I know that's not a consolation, and I'm sorry. :(


  2. No apologies are necessary. We all get caught up in ourselves or distance ourselves from others from time to time. Sometimes, that's the only way we can survive.


  3. I haven't understood T & H not finalizing either. It makes no sense at all.

    Sometimes, you just have to "do you." Don't apologize, just take the time you need.

    Thinking of you. xoxo

  4. I don't understand it either. I don't think I ever will. I guess it is because, though they feel threatened by me, they believe (deep down inside) that I would never disrupt their family.
    I am trying to pull myself out of this funk, trying to write it out, to work through feelings. You guys, even through the computer, are a driving force. You are inspiring. Thank you for the understanding.

    With Love Always