This is a post inspired by Danielle of Another Version of Mother for her I am a Mother blog round up. It surrounds this quote
“I am a mother. I am a mother of loss. But I am a mother nonetheless and I will always be a mother.”
I went a little off track, per usual, but here is my entry.
It feels like I am drowning in a pool, a pool I have only dipped my toe into. It’s your pool, a place I don’t even fathom how to swim. Yet I sink, I drown. Surrounded by reminders that I should be in your world, I cannot breath. Here at the shallow end, I look out at you and see your flourishing where I would be in over my head. Yes, there is a jealousy.
You look past me, not seeing the defeat in my step. Too wrapped up in your happiness, you have quickly forgotten the price. I am drowning and you scarcely see the bubbles on the surface. Breathlessly, I turn and walk away.
I just cannot bear the thought of watching your perfection today, when I am the one who dug the whole, found the water, gave it life to begin with.
Every year I return to this place, hoping for a nod, a smile, an outstretched hand.I belong in your pool, side by side, full of love. Instead, you look beyond, disapproving that you ever needed anyone to learn to swim. When will I learn?
With Love Always