G is holding my heart together right now. The call at lunch today, where he told me for the first time that ‘I love you and I miss you’ was right on time.
Of course, it puts everything between Phil and I into perspective. It might be about he and I, but it’s also about he, I, and G. I won’t hold onto something unhealthy for the kid, but I will certainly fight harder for us to work for G. From the night G met me, he (in his own 2 year old way) decided I need to be with Daddy. Phil and I were sitting on the couch, G in the middle. We were making a point of showing no affection to one another, as it was (and still is) early and we did not want to confuse or get G’s hopes up. Independent of us, G grabbed Phil’s hand and put it with mine. Then back out. Then back in. And out. Then finally, he left our hands together. He looked so proud of himself.
From the minute G laid eyes on me, he has been comfortable with me. Climbing all over me, hugs and kisses, all of it. I just do not know how to be the ‘other’ parent that isn’t really the ‘other’ parent. Phil let me take him to the grocery store 2 weeks ago alone; as it was obvious Phil needed a break. Looking in the mirror and seeing a car seat, and then looking over and it was just me, was breathtaking. I was responsible for a living breathing person, all on my own. I loved it.
Yet how do I keep from getting too attached when it is still early? How do I not put pressure on myself for this to work just because I love that kid? I have already ‘lost’ one son. G is certainly not my son, but I love him (as much as I can after 2 months) as if he was. I do not want to put G through whatever 3 year old heartache there would be if Phil and I split. (I don’t know that there would be much; don’t even know if he understands what he means when he says he loves me.)
My boy, my B, will be 4 soon. It’s hard not to look at G and see B. It’s hard not to transfer some of what I feel about B onto G. I get sort of choked up, sort of scared, when I think that I could be the ‘mother’ of 5 kids one day. B, G, and the 3 I want. I should reconsider all of this in 6 months, I’m sure, but it’s hard. For now, I am sneaking out of work a bit early to go and get a hug from G, then off to camping with my Seattle birthmoms!
With Love Always,