Friday, March 4

Full of Angry

This post is about to be full of angry. If you have exceeded your daily limit of angry, I suggest you come back on a day that you haven't.

I talked to J tonight about H&T's situation. He is not the reason I am angry. I got him to admit that he knows that both of his mothers love him. That was big, to me. He also said something to me that made this whole situation piss me off even more. 'There aren't many times a mom gets a second chance.' Yeah, just like that. He is the only person I know that calls me a mom (IRL) unabashedly. That does mean the world to me.
But it got me thinking. This would NOT be a second chance. It would NOT be a do-over. I know he was just playing devils advocate. My response to him was 'Hun, this stopped being about me a long time ago'. And it did. B is fortunate to have 4 parents that love him dearly. I know E loves B, even if he does nothing to show it. This is about what is best for B. And (ANGER COMING!) what is best for B is for T to HAVE NEVER LIED TO ME TO BEGIN WITH. What is best for him is for him to have parents that WERE HONEST FROM THE DAMN START! I should NOT be in this position. They should have never put me in it. I should have insisted, years ago, that they finalize.
I really think T is about to send me a text that says she and H have gotten back together. I sent her one a bit ago that said ' I just want you to know I love you and I am worried about you'. She asked me why I would be worried and I said 'I know you are going through a lot'. Her response was 'Not anymore'. Now she will not respond to my texts.
I have already been through enough in this damn roller coaster nightmare. I really do not know what to even think or feel about them getting back together, if they do. On one hand, I AM PISSED. On the other, hooray (except for that minor detail that she has told him repeatedly, for years, that she never was in love with him...oops!). I don't know anymore. I don't know how to know. If I had wanted this to be his life I could have raised him. Regret, you are a mf-er!
Right now, I just want my baby back. I know this is the wrong answer. I just...he deserves stability. I am not religious, but god, buddha, whomever, if you are out there, give my baby some peace. Give me a break. I know I have some bad karma headed my way, but I have done so many things to build up the good too. Can I just cash it all in for him? Please?

UPDATE: I just got the text, it said 'we r fine'. I ... I am speechless.

With Love Always


  1. I have to admit that it must be so hard to be on the outside of this situation "looking" in. But that is what you are...outside. Nobody but the parents of your child know what is going on in their relationship and in their house.

    I went through a rough patch with my husband where we were separated for a year, during that year one time he called the police on me. None of this is good, but the end result was we were able to work through our issues and have now been married for THIRTEEN YEARS. You just never know what will happen in the long run. Even if things are hard right now and you can't understand why certain things happen you have to take comfort in knowing that you made the best choice for your son at the time. You chose them for a reason. Take comfort and peace in that. Let them do what they need to do over there and just support them no matter how hard it may seem from your end. I am sorry his mom is not being honest with you. there is no excuse for that but in all likely hood she is scared to tell you the truth since things are not final.

    I know you said you are not religious but pray for their family. Heavenly father will take care of your son. This may be a con of open adoption, the knowing what it going on all the time, but I assure you that taking your son back would cause him a lot of trauma.

    Thinking of you and hoping you can find peace. It is ok to be angry by the way, it is natural and we all feel that way sometimes. It's how you cope and get through that anger that matters.

  2. Thank you nicole. I know I am outside looking in, but after t told me she had never been in love w h, not in the 11 years they were together, I have no idea how they can just 'be ok'. Life does happen. I hope this is the last time they split and come back to one another.
    I know taking b would be traumatic for him. That's the only reason I haven't and wont. I want what's best for him, no matter how it hurts me. My job is to ensure he stays with his family. I just wish his family knew what the heck they are doing with each other. This is apparantly the 5th time t has left h. How many times will it take? I don't know anymore.

  3. Goodness, hon, you are definitely on a roller coaster, aren't you?!? I'm speechless about the update at the end of this post so I can only imagine how you would feel.

  4. I can only imagine how I should feel. I have no idea anymore. I wish this was somehow in my control.

  5. *hugs* That's all I have to say. That...and I love you. <3

  6. Oh, Deb....first (hugs) for sure. Second,(hugs) again. know a little bit about what I went through with my husband. I don't know if I've ever told you the whole story. Anyway, we were separated for a time after being married for almost 7 years. While the cops never got involved for any reason, there were alot of hateful mean things that were said in that time. I know I said a number of times "I don't know if I ever really loved him". Part of it was because I was upset with what was going on , part of it was that I was trying to convince myself that I hadn't since I was the one who initiated the separation. Looking back on it, I think it was more of me attempting to convince myself that I hadn't. I had to believe that in order to be ok with myself for what I was doing to my family. I do not in any way, shape or form condone some of the actions of the amom, I just want you to know that sometimes, when a marriage is hard, you say things as a rationalization for what's happening. To somehow explain away the situation or place blame for what's going on. I don't know if that's the way to properly explain it or not. I just have to believe that maybe it was something she just SAID, and maybe didn't mean because the thought of the blatant lies upsets me too much. Also, look at Max and I now...better than ever, stronger in our relationship than we were 2 days after we got married. Having gone through everything I've gone through and coming out the other end ok (I won't say unscathed, cause let's be honest, there are scars and bruises still)...I honestly don't think they'd be "OK" or getting back together in any kind of way if there truly was no love there.

  7. Heather, you are awesome for your honesty. I don't know what to believe anymore. I know amom told adad right before they got pregnant that she had never been in love with him, and again this year. I HOPE with everything in me that she was just frustrated, but I really do not believe that. I guess I will have to see in person, right?