This post is about to be full of angry. If you have exceeded your daily limit of angry, I suggest you come back on a day that you haven't.
I talked to J tonight about H&T's situation. He is not the reason I am angry. I got him to admit that he knows that both of his mothers love him. That was big, to me. He also said something to me that made this whole situation piss me off even more. 'There aren't many times a mom gets a second chance.' Yeah, just like that. He is the only person I know that calls me a mom (IRL) unabashedly. That does mean the world to me.
But it got me thinking. This would NOT be a second chance. It would NOT be a do-over. I know he was just playing devils advocate. My response to him was 'Hun, this stopped being about me a long time ago'. And it did. B is fortunate to have 4 parents that love him dearly. I know E loves B, even if he does nothing to show it. This is about what is best for B. And (ANGER COMING!) what is best for B is for T to HAVE NEVER LIED TO ME TO BEGIN WITH. What is best for him is for him to have parents that WERE HONEST FROM THE DAMN START! I should NOT be in this position. They should have never put me in it. I should have insisted, years ago, that they finalize.
I really think T is about to send me a text that says she and H have gotten back together. I sent her one a bit ago that said ' I just want you to know I love you and I am worried about you'. She asked me why I would be worried and I said 'I know you are going through a lot'. Her response was 'Not anymore'. Now she will not respond to my texts.
I have already been through enough in this damn roller coaster nightmare. I really do not know what to even think or feel about them getting back together, if they do. On one hand, I AM PISSED. On the other, hooray (except for that minor detail that she has told him repeatedly, for years, that she never was in love with him...oops!). I don't know anymore. I don't know how to know. If I had wanted this to be his life I could have raised him. Regret, you are a mf-er!
Right now, I just want my baby back. I know this is the wrong answer. I just...he deserves stability. I am not religious, but god, buddha, whomever, if you are out there, give my baby some peace. Give me a break. I know I have some bad karma headed my way, but I have done so many things to build up the good too. Can I just cash it all in for him? Please?
UPDATE: I just got the text, it said 'we r fine'. I ... I am speechless.
With Love Always